by Chandra Clewley

On the finale of The Real Housewives of Orange County, we see the conclusion to a disconnected, argumentative, strained summer in the OC. 

There is no better place to begin than with Simon and Tamra Barney deciding what they should wear to the final party at the St. Regis. Simon’s comments about “that is something a 20 year old would wear”, “you are going to wear what you want, you always do” fall like a lead balloon in the cavernous void between them and when Tamra finally decides to wear a black dress Simon thinks it is “not age appropriate” and that she is “not a single woman, dress like a married woman.” Tamra is so absolutely annoyed by the time that the Limo arrives to pick them up, that even I am getting uncomfortable. In the Limo, the subject of Vicki comes up. Simon says that he was able to let it go when she gave Tamra advice, but when she started giving him advice, he couldn’t take it anymore.

Again, Simon keeps up with the shtick that Tamra is different than she was two years ago and that he doesn’t like who she is now. He wants a respectful wife that acts like she is married. When he brings up their three children, and how she had said she would go bowling with the family but instead had an event, Tamra loses it. She says that she still spends plenty of time with the kids, and that if Simon was working and making money, they wouldn’t be in this situation. She ends the conversation with lots of F-bombs and an “I want a divorce.”  Now, I’m not a psychic but something tells me she is going to get just that in about six months time…

Arriving at the party, Simon stops Tamra before she enters and asks that they not fight anymore. Tamra is really upset. Simon says “things have been going so well, let’s not screw it up…? Huh? Say what? Then another nugget of wisdom, “you have to get your priorities right! You are the greatest mom I know. Right? It’s like last night….” Tamra says that he needs to stop riding her, and he says “well, then you need to make a change.” I guess Simon was hiding in the bathroom when God was handing out priorities like a job, so now everyone’s roles are confused.

Vicki, who looks grrreat in a sexy yellow dress (that is shorter than Tamra’s…) misses the old days and is trying to pump herself up for drama with Simon. She says that if he says one thing to her at the party, she doesn’t think she will be able to hold back. As for Alexis, Vicki says she has burned her bridge on that one. When she walks in, she starts to say hello to Simon and Ricky, but Donn pulls her away. He says “We’re good, let’s keep going…” as he pulls Vicki in the other direction. Of course, that is AFTER Simon made the snarky comment about Vicki leading Donn into the party. 

Later, Tamra just can’t deal anymore and pulls Vicki aside to speak with her. She breaks down and while she is crying Vicki says “you will be fine, you need to control your own destiny, get your head out of your pillow, it’s your life.” Tamra is talking about how she is near divorce, and Vicki gets upset about the way Simon treats her. Tamra says Simon is upset because he is knows he is losing Tamra, so he directs that anger at Vicki. Simon finds out that Tamra is freaking out and interrupts Vicki and her. When he asks what is going on, Tamra lies and says “I just want you guys to make up.” Vicki interjects, “No, that’s not what this is about!” Simon asks to speak with Tamra for a minute and when he pulls her away, he tries that weird voodoo on her that used to work like “What are you guys talking about? Now what happened in the car, right?” Tamra is totally lying and denying it. Vicki is convinced that Tamra is lying because she is afraid of Simon and later says that she isn’t sure Tamra could survive without Simon because he has so much control over her. But in this instance, it doesn’t work, because Simon, after speaking with Tamra, decides to take off and leaves the party without her. Ryan and Tamra’s mom end up taking Tamra home later.

Gretchen gets her hair all fancy for the final party, and puts her makeup on, on her floor! This should go in an US Weekly in the “They are just like us” section. When they show up, she is in all white, and Slade is in a black and white suit. You can feel the gust of wind from the tongues that start wagging. Are they getting married or engaged? Turns out neither. Later, Lauri Waring pulls Gretchen aside and wants to talk about Slade. Lauri confirms that she and Slade definitely went out. Gretchen tells Lauri that she and Slade are definitely together and Lauri says that she hopes “it’s not just an opportunity (for Slade)” Gretchen thinks it is none of Lauri’s business.

When Lynne and Frank arrive at the party, they bring along their two wasted daughters, Alexa and Raquel. Slade later tells Frank that his girls are drunk, and Lynne is upset with Slade for saying something in front of people. Vicki weighs in with the damage already being done, that the parenting should have started at kindergarten. Tamra wonders why Lynne never acknowledges the tornado that goes on around her. Raquel leaves the party after getting busted for drinking, and Alexa is upset that Raquel left without her. Jeanna and her daughter Kara pull Alexa and Lynne off the ledge and get them back to the party after Alexa breaks down outside. Later Lynne says she is so glad she has the cuff business because it is floating the family right now. 

Not much happens on the Alexis and Jim front, except that Alexis’s mom debuts her facelift. Who put the black lipstick on her?

As the sun sets on Season 5 of the golden state gals, we can look forward to some craziness on the two part reunion show.

Catch The Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion Show Parts 1 and 2, next Wednesday at 9/8c and then concluding on Thursday 9/8 c on Bravo.

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

Follow Chandra at twitter.com/ChandraClewley

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