by Kylene Hamulak

 

Before we're reunited with Kelly and her girls, the rest of our Dance Moms meet in the parking lot of Abby Lee Dance and speculate where Shelly (the Replacement Mom) and her daughter Ally might be. In the studio early? Maybe. Private lessons? Perhaps. "Cleaning Abby's bathrooms?" That last one was from Christi, who has recently discovered that the Moms are a team, and the team includes Kelly, despite what Abby wants.

 

Funny, ‘cause I thought the team was about the girls. -shrug-

 

Well, regardless, the Moms are determined to convince Kelly that she needs to come back, and, I assume, bring Paige and Brooke with her. Ask yourself: where do all the best middle school mean girls plans get hatched? If you answered a bathroom crammed with catty women, you are correct! Our Moms march right past Abby into the ladies' room, where they decide to try the ol' silent treatment.

 

I'll give you a moment to imagine a world where our Dance Moms can actually, as a group, throw an effective silent treatment sit-in.

 

It's time for pyramid, and Abby can't find the girls. I guess the moms hid them in lockers or something because their stuff is all over the place, but there are no kids to be found. It's almost creepy. I can't help but wonder though - isn't this just going to piss Abby off? If I was one of those kids, I would be like, "Peace out, Mom - I get yelled at enough, there is NO way I'm hiding from Abby."

 

Abby's response? "If they're trying to piss me off, mission accomplished." Eeep.

 

Since Ally is the only team member at practice, Abby begins by working on her solo routine with Shelly alone in the gallery. Shelly, because she's the outsider, is the only one who seems to realize this whole disappearing act is weird. She tries to talk to Abby about it, but Abby, of course isn't backing down. She tells Ally they've got one number, and it's her solo. Soooo...no pressure, ‘k Ally?

 

Meanwhile, Abby spies the Moms just standing around a minivan in the parking lot and has had enough. Christi describes the scene: "When Abby comes out, it's like the scene in Jurassic Park. We're all sitting in our cars, and, like, here comes the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Holly's not moving, and I'm thinking - thank God, Holly, because they can sense movement." They can also sense bitchiness, Christi.

 

Abby is done with the protest and decides to build a new team with Ally as her soloist...and also call the police. Oh yes - the po-po. For a "trespassing issue." And her minions at the desk are gleeful about it. While we wait for the cops to arrive, Abbie goes down her audition list and starts calling replacements. The pyramid? In the trash for the second week in a row.

 

Know who else is gleeful? Candy Apple Cathy, of course! Jill just happens to be "in the area" and visits Cathy, who isn't impressed. "Aren't you a STUDIO HOPPER?!" Dun-dun-duunnn....oh, you did NOT just go there, Cathy. Oh, she did. And as Jill walks out, she follows it up with, "That's an awfully little Louis Vuitton you've got there...." Cut deep, Cath.

 

The new girls have arrived, and I wonder whether little Kaeli and Bella even realize they're temporary pawns at Abby Lee. The new moms take their seats (which, as Abby points out, are actually someone else's seats) and ask where everyone else is. Abby tells them to trust her and notes, "everyone's replaceable." Not in our hearts though, Abby. Not in our hearts.

 

Meanwhile, over at Christi's house, all the Moms are gathered around snacks talking about how much nicer it is than being at the dance studio. Uh, yeah, ladies. I'm sure your daughters would agree. Speaking of which - Christi is convinced that people are only interested in seeing THEIR kids dance, so all they need to do is keep the kids together and take them somewhere they can perform.

 

Guess who else will be performing at the weekend competition - Hadley (and Yvette) of Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition fame. Yvette calls to warn Abby that she'll be there with Hadley....ohhh boy, this oughta be good. Yvette is convinced that Abby tried to get to her through her daughter, and Hadley admits Abby's words are still in her head. Mostly just one word: Roadkill.

 

The final new member of the team is Sophia, a dance prodigy (according to Abby) who has been all over the internet (according to Abby) and is a major deal at dance competitions (also according to Abby). I've never been a dancer (competitive or otherwise), but is this how it works? You can just fly in a ringer for any given weekend to represent your studio?

 

As Abby announces to the other girls that the star is coming (Sophia), Kaeli and Bella's moms are looking a little peeved, while Shelly is trying not to get involved. Then Sophia speaks. OMG. This child has such a teeny tiny little voice, I wasn't even sure it was REAL! She asks Abby to go over something again, and Abby asks her to repeat it. She does, following up with "if that makes sense?"

 

"Oh, you make perfect sense," Abby tells her, "it's just that voice is killing me. Minnie Mouse already has a job." Eeep again. I mean....she's right? But...the kid is 10! She tells her to dig deeper and find a voice and suggests she might want to take a voice lesson. It's ok, Sophia - the only sound anyone cares about is that of your feet touching the ground. Because YOU, my dear, are a dancer.

 

With one day to go before the competition, Abby is making sure all the routines reflect the new ALDC and highlight her "new Maddie," Sophia. The other moms are a little peeved about it (except Shelly, who doesn't seem to react to anything), and if these new women ever start giving me a show, I might actually have to learn their names. Meanwhile, over at Kelly's house, the old girls and the Moms are preparing for their big performance at a local mall.

 

By the time competition weekend rolls around, Abby is prepared to make more phone calls if the new girls aren't up to par, while Holly and the original moms are a little nervous that there isn't anyone at the mall. Something tells me that will change, but, ok, I'll feign concern for you, Holly.

 

I'm much more interested in what's going on in Indiana, though. New Mom of Kaeli has decided that her daughter deserves a solo, so she's just gonna march on down and enter her kid in. Yeah, this will end well. As is usually the case with these kids, poor Kaeli is like, "But, is Miss Abby gonna get mad?" Um....yes?

 

Solos are up first, so we'll see how this goes. Ally performs a beautiful routine and is followed by Hadley, aka Roadkill, for whom Abby claps politely. Then comes Sophia, who, oddly enough, has a perfectly normal voice as she tells us "I'm a little bit of a head case sometimes." I think I'm gonna like this girl.

 

While Abby is backstage congratulating Sophia, New Mom of Kaeli is chatting up the folks in charge to get her kid a solo. Poor Bella is in tears when she realizes everyone but her has a solo, and New Mom of Bella? She's about to go all Kelly on us and make a scene, until Abby takes over and announces that if Kaeli is written in by her mother? She's off the team. -gulp-

 

And then everything's exploding and the moms are yelling while talented girls dance in the background of madness, and everything is status quo at Abby Lee Dance Company. "These new dance moms are acting a lot like the old dance moms," observes Abby. "What is it about me?!"

 

Group performances begin, and we're treated to a number from Thrive, Hadley's team, before the new Abby Lee takes the stage. Both are impressive routines, but the awards are tense based on what's at stake. For solo awards, Ally is given 2nd place for her performance (which Abby thought should've placed higher), while Sophia takes 1st in her division, scoring higher than Hadley, who came in at 2nd. What was Abby's response? "Hadley wasn't exactly roadkill - she was just the road. And Sophia drove right over it."

 

As for the group award? Yeaaah....that didn't go so well, as Hadley and Yvette's group beat ALDC, leaving Abby "mortified."

 

She probably wouldn't be any happier to see the throngs of people jamming into the mall to see her former team perform. It's mostly young girls, and they're squealing as if One Direction was giving out free prom dates. Oh, and the CRYING! Compose yourself, GIRL! (Sorry if that's you, Reader.)

 

The performance looks great, especially considering the girls choreographed it themselves, but I'm not sure they should consider opening their own dance studio just yet. The Moms are all very proud of the girls. Or is that smug? So hard to tell the difference. Holly, at least, keeps it real, noting that they do need the discipline, and even though it was great, it wasn't up to the standards they're used to.

 

Back in Indiana, New Mom of Kaeli (who I believe is actually named Gloria) is blaming the 2nd place finish on Ally, since she also got 2nd in her solo. Oh, REALLY? Finally, this attack prompts a reaction from Shelly, who suggests they all just zip it in front of the kids. When Abby enters the room, however, Shelly exits.

 

And New Mom of Bella (Marcia?) declares that we're finally seeing the real Shelly. Finally. FINALLY. After THREE whole DAYS of dealing with your crazy!

 

Overall, this episode was kind of a letdown due to lack of our old reliable crazy Dance Moms and the girls we all know and love. I'm hoping it's just the bridge episode to get us knee deep in drama and outbursts and dumb Mackenzie looks next week!

 

 

Tune in to Dance Moms every Tuesday at 9/8c on Lifetime!

 

(Image courtesy of Lifetime)