by Kylene Hamulak

 

"The REAL Dance Moms are here," announces Christi as she drives into Abby Lee's parking lot. And you know who that includes? Kelly.

 

Abby's got another issue to deal with before the REAL Dance Moms(or, as I like to call them, the Old Dance Moms...since I like to imagine that would ruffle some Botoxed feathers) come to grovel - Shelly has taken Ally back to New Orleans after the new moms blamed the poor kid for the group's second place finish. "Jealousy is an ugly disease," Abby tells us. "You can ask Christi." Ouch.

 

To her credit, Abby takes care of business with two of the new moms, dismissing them from the team - and the studio - for their behavior. I mean, it means a couple more kids are in tears, but let's be honest - they were disposable anyway. Did you really think they were gonna stick around? Now I'm really glad I didn't waste time learning their names.

 

Team Abby Lee Dance now consists of Sophia. One tiny little girl with a tiny little voice and a disproportionately huge bun on her head.

 

Meanwhile, the Old Dance Moms are strategizing behind a mini van in the parking lot, and I'm not sure if that's a step up or down from last week's secret bathroom session. Kelly thinks if she stays inside while the other moms go in to talk to Abby, they'll have a better chance at reconciliation. Good idea, Kelly. Stay behind and throw your friends to the very hungry wolf.

 

It's not gonna be just that easy, though. See, Abby thinks the moms are quitters. And she's going to have them sign a contract that they will not leave the studio for a year. Christi calls it stupid, but, like, I'd read the fine print, ladies. When she says you can't leave, she might ACTUALLY mean you can't leave. Like, ever.

 

Abby is holding to her ban on Kelly and her - what was it? "Lazy snot" kids? Maybe I heard that wrong, but I like to imagine Abby being at just about that level of maturity. Christi and Jill are the most vocal in the argument with Holly standing by twirling her sunglasses, but Melissa seems to be having an internal struggle with it. Her kids just want to dance. Someone needs to remind her that this show isn't called Dance KIDS...a little drama, Mama! Let's go!

 

Melissa and Jill break first, realizing that their kids just might be more important than Kelly. But also maybe not, since they need their kids dancing at Abby Lee if they want to be on tv, but let's give them the benefit of the doubt. So how long can Holly and Christi hold out?

 

If your guess was "not long"? You are correct. You'd get a spot at the top of my recap prediction pyramid, if I had one.

 

After signing the contract (way to hold out and show her who's boss, Moms), they tell Kelly that Abby will be open to considering letting Paige and Brooke back on the the team. Which basically means the only thing that stands between us and getting back to business is one semi-dramatic groveling session between Kelly and Abby.

 

FINALLY that's over. Now we can go back to fighting in the studio.

 

And that's exactly what we're gonna do. Jill is the first to break out the claws when she sees Sophia's mom, Jackie, who, Jill tells us, is skinny and gorgeous, and OBVIOUSLY doesn't belong with this team of dance moms. I mean...OBVIOUSLY.

 

Kelly makes her dramatic entrance, shoving her kids into line and the contract into Abby's hand. Abby tells us she handed over the contract without a peep, but she's a liar because I distinctly heard Kelly peep, "Here's your contract."

 

So, because it's only fair to yell at little girls when moms misbehave, Abby lectures them before giving us the closest thing we've seen to a pyramid all season: Sophia's headshot floating solo above all the other girls. And it doesn't stop there - Abby then proceeds to move Jackie to the top of the Dance Moms pyramid. I mean, if there was one. If there was a pyramid for the moms, Jackie would be the crown jewel for being kind and helpful...and, let's face it...a pawn.

 

When the lineup for competition is announced, Christi - SURPRISE! - is all annoyed because it's not fair that SOPHIA gets a solo when all the other girls worked their butts off. Dancing in a mall though Christi, remember? Last week, while Sophia was winning the title? You were at the mall. Regardless, Chloe gets a solo too, which Christi says is punishment. You know what's punishment, Christi? Trying to figure out your crazy-ass conspiracy theories.

 

The old moms, left alone with Jackie for the first time, are peppering her with questions about Sophia's pirouette record (54 in tap shoes!), and I just wish someone would've asked me about it so I could name drop Broadway's Ryan Steele and tell them that I'm unimpressed until she does them on a newspaper. Despite Jackie's diplomatic responses ("They're all stars"), Christi's done her research - she calls Jackie out for comments she made about another young dancer named Mia.

 

And of course I have no idea what any of this is about and have to pause my dvr for a good ten minutes scouring the internet for details of this scandal, so if any of you have the dirt, you better send it to me.

 

Anyway, the Moms are mostly back to their old selves, except that Abby has Melissa taking out the trash. Literally. Christi and Kelly think it's time to give Jackie a little Dance Moms hazing to "welcome" her to the studio. Kelly can't think of anything, but Christi is right there with the suggestion of replacing Jackie's eyelash glue with superglue. "My gosh, we can't do that!" says Kelly. "She'd go blind!"

 

Response from Christi: *shrug* "We could roofie her drink." Yeah, Kelly's not going for that either, Christi, but keep thinking. "Maybe I'm just gone 'cause I've been roofied before!" Hahahaha-WHAT?! What the hell, Christi? Kelly's face drops as she frantically looks for ways to exit the conversation.

 

In the end, it's a much more subtle hazing that happens - the moms engage her in conversation that distracts her from watching the girls, which doesn't please Abby. Fun fact: Sophia can do 54 turns, but she only goes to school two hours a week. "It's kinda sad," notes Melissa. But she says it with a huge smirk, so I don't really buy that she thinks it's even a little bit sad.

 

After Christi makes a smartass comment about being homeschool, Kelly is, again, surprised. "She's calling her out on being homeschooled? I just think Christi doesn't want her on the team." Gee, ya THINK? Can't put anything past you, Kelly. You clearly weren't homeschooled.

 

Meanwhile, the girls see exactly what's going on. Everyone recognizes Sophia's talent and feels pressure to perform better because of it, but they also know that when the moms don't do what Abby wants, the girls get punished.

 

And now she's gotta cut from the group dance, explaining there are just too many girls in it. The kicker? She gives the moms in the roles of casting directors. Of course, the can't be objective, so after some of the ol' Abby Lee yelling, she drops Brooke from the routine, and Kelly's arm goes straight up to offer up Mackenzie as the sacrificial lamb, but her request is denied.

 

Ready for the good stuff? Ok, so the moms are lined up in front of Abby's desk as she warns them that competition this week is going to be tough, and their kids aren't ready because it's THEIR fault it's been tense all week. Holly tries to talk reasonably, but there's none of that at Abby Lee Dance, so instead everyone is just yelling, there are some tears, and when Jackie suggests everyone just try to get along, Abby explains, "You came in at a really tense time."

 

At the competition, Abby's focus is entirely on Sophia, who performs her "Superstar" routine with every bit of star power Abby had promised. I actually feel bad for Chloe waiting in the wings and watching the phenom do turn after turn in perfect form. She's psyching ME out and I just have to write about it!

 

Chloe's "Another Girl" routine goes well, and it seems unfair when Abby says, "Chloe did pretty well. If she didn't sit on her butt all week, she might've been...good." Backstage, Chloe apologizes to Christi for letting her down, and UGH. I like it better when Christi's talking about getting roofied.

 

The group dance, "Red Carpet Special," comes with a prop (uh, a red carpet?) that the girls haven't practiced with...AT ALL. The anxiety of everyone involved is appropriate considering when they go to roll it out, the stupid thing does NOT go. Oh, and who's pulling the damn thing? Of COURSE it's Mackenzie.

 

Mackenzie describes the scene: "So, the red carpet didn't go...well. Because when I was pulling it out, the string kept getting caught under the carpet." Eek.

 

So the awards - Chloe is awarded second runner up, while Sophia (shocker) is the highest scoring dancer. Not so fast though - there's an extra award called the Expressive Heart, and that goes to Chloe. It's a special one, so hopefully that'll win her some brownie points. After the red carpet mishap, it was a relief when the team was awarded First Place in the group performance as well.

 

Even so, the Abby-Christi showdown is about to throw down, beginning with Abby criticizing Christi and Chloe, with Christi fighting back that, as her teacher, Abby is responsible for Chloe's performance. A tearful Christi reacts to the other moms, "What are we doing to our kids?"

 

Uh, that's a good question. And we'll find out more next week, when it looks like we're back to shenanigans in the studio! Until then, Dance Moms fans, remember - check your eyelash glue and don't get roofied!

 

 

Tune in to Dance Moms every Tuesday at 9/8c on Lifetime!

 

(Image Courtesy of Lifetime)

 

 

Follow Kylene @keepingupwithky