by Kylene Hamulak

 

I heard from many Dance Moms fans who thought the last show took an uncomfortable turn, so I know I'm not the only one hoping this episode has more shenanigans and fewer tears from tiny dancers.

 

Last time we saw the Abby Lee team, they were getting 4^th Place (FOURTH!)...I'm pretty sure Abby's going to remind us about it several times. Maddie and Mackenzie are both at the bottom of the pyramid this week, along with Paige and Nia. Kendall is off the bottom row, in the middle for the first time, and Chloe is right there with her. So who's left on top of the pyramid?

 

"I think the kids think it's gonna be Brooke," says Abby. Well...yeah, so do I, cause who else? Maybe Sophia? HA! Fake out! She put a blank piece of paper up there! Oh, that Abby! "Nobody in a group that got 4^th deserves that spot."

 

So yeah, Brooke still isn't on the pyramid, and judging from the look on her face? I think she'd rather be doing science homework than be at the studio right now. Abby lets her know she'll be in the group routine, and she's also given Kendall a solo called "Owe You Nothing." Because, you know, Abby owes those girls NOTHING. And Kendall is LUCKY.

 

Anyway, she also gives Nia a solo and a backhanded compliment before asking Chloe if she'll do the solo Abby teachers her. Then she asks Chloe if she's talked to her mom about "stopping the advocacy for all the other mothers" - wait, WHAT? You want an 11-year-old to talk to her mom about what now?

 

The group routine is called "Pink Lemonade", and Abby has announced there will be hats. "The hats are a prop," she warns them. "Drop your hat, and you're off the team." My favorite part about this scene is watching Chloe demonstrate what it's like to wear a hat.

 

Then there's the part where they all start laughing when Abby makes her threat, thinking it was a little absurd. Oh, it IS absurd, ladies. But Abby claims she's not kidding. "Let somebody drop the hat and see what happens." Gulp. I really hope this isn't where the tears come in again.

 

But how 'bout those shenanigans! Who better to bring on a different kind of crazy than Candy Apple Cathy? "I had a team last year," she announces. "I was a little lenient on that team, and it bit me in the apples." Well, ok then! She's rebuilt a team, and it's all boys. "That's genius!" Cathy declares.

 

Also genius: the crunching apple sound that plays as the cards on Cathy's pyramid flip to reveal the placement of her boys. I wish I had an apple right now.

Back at Abby Lee, we're making lemons out of lemonade. Except MacKenzie, who is tinkering in a corner, since she's not in the routine. Honestly though? With her history of trouble with props? She's probably grateful not to have a hat to drop!

 

As Holly questions Melissa about what she plans to do, Melissa admits that she regrets things. What things, Melissa? The Kelly thing? The fight with Abby? Your relationships? Those glasses you're wearing? You should be more specific.

 

Meanwhile, Jill is reveling in Kendall's solo - she's even hired a costume designer to make sure her daughter can't be overlooked by Abby. Cause if there's one thing Abby can't overlook? It's sequins!!! Jill must be really dedicated to getting her daughter noticed - doesn't she realize Kendall is only top dog until Maddie's penance is over? Speaking of top dog...

 

...Abby's dog, Broadway Baby, is at the studio, and she's gonna need a sitter. Since Jill is the new Melissa, the pooper scooper is in her hands. "I'm honored that Abby trusts her dog with me," says Jill. God knows why, Jill. If she saw you in that dumb fedora, she'd definitely have second thoughts on your judgment. "I just really hope she doesn't go to doggy heaven on my watch." WTH?! All Abby asked you to do was walk the dog in the parking lot!  You're not riding her into a damn war zone!

 

They do survive the parking lot, but I may need to take back that war comment because Jill has just casually told the Moms about the costume designer she invited to make Kendall's costume. They're all shocked that she would get something designed without Abby's approval, but when Melissa says, "I don't want you to get yelled at for doing something behind her back," I definitely don't believe her.

 

Down in the costume shop, Abby models the pink fedoras the girls will be wearing. She passes Nia's costume to Holly, then mentions that she'd like Kendall in green. Uh oh - here we go, everyone. Jill explains the gray/lace costume she's having made, and Abby tells her in hushed voice, "I don't like people going behind my back."

 

"I guess Jill is taking the approach that gifts didn't really get her too far, so now she's into doing favors for Abby," observes Christi.

 

"That's something I would do," admits Melissa. At least she's honest. Sometimes.

 

Chloe still hasn't started work on her solo routine, and Christi is starting to get snitty about it. "I feel like Christi's over reacting more and more these days," says Holly. "She's constantly throwing tantrums, and I'm not in the mood to fuss over her." Holly suggests that Christi talk to Abby about her concerns, but Christi would rather sulk about it.

 

Abby, meanwhile, has learned that Candy Apple Cathy is bringing her team to the competition, and she makes the worst threat of all to the moms - "If they don't win, I get to say I told you so!" Ugh...no one wants that Abby. Trust me. No one.

 

The Moms are in the gallery comparing costumes. Well, most of the Moms. Not Jill. Because Jill doesn't HAVE a costume. Kelly plays dumb. "I'm just confused," she tells Jill, as Jill explains that the pieces she's working on are just going to be added to the costume she's having made. Which she doesn't have.

 

Let's take a brief moment to check in with Ohio, where Cathy has invited guest choreographer Nick Anthony from LA to work with her boys. It's some sort of hip-hop, contemporary, little bit of everything routine called "Own It" 'cause that's EXACTLY what Cathy intends her new Apples to do. Her secret weapon? Jalen, sliding across the floor on his head.

 

Abby's secret weapon? Hats. The group routine rehearsal is not going well at all, and Kendall in particular seems to be taking the brunt of it. Since her costume is still not at the studio, Abby tells her she will not be doing her solo.

 

Well...needless to say, Jill does not take this well. She has other kids, you know. Other responsibilities. She hasn't had time to pick up Kendall's costume. "Abby better not take it out on Kendall. It's not her fault," Jill tells us.

 

Jill, I would like to refer you back to the last five episodes to see how well Abby does NOT making daughters pay for the sins of their mothers.  How did you think YOUR kid got the damn solo in the first place?!

 

So Jill throws a dramatic fit in the gallery as she gathers up her things to leave and she urges the Moms to walk out with her until Abby apologizes to the girls. They don't. Which Abby points out. Except that not only does she point out that the Moms stayed put, but she also notes that Brooke and Paige "didn't shed a tear" when Kendall was pulled out.

 

And, again, I find myself shaking my head. It's just not fair for her to expect children to know how to react to this, and it's even less fair for her to criticize them for it.

 

Abby's sitting alone on the bus when Jill approaches her to tell her that Kendall wants to dance, so Abby gives her some weird analogy where every time Abby says a kid's name, it's like "mommy spent $100." Then she tells Jill to get a costume and get on the bus. Ninety seconds ago, Jill was dumbfounded that none of the other mothers were sticking up for her. Now she's on the damn bus. Way to stick to your guns, Jill.

 

At competition, Abby has only one thing on her mind (beating Cathy) and Cathy...well, she's nuts. "I smell something burning," she declares as the team marches to their room. "Oh! It's US!" So does that make them Apple Crisp? Abby is surprised to see Cathy's all-boy team, knowing that was the only way Cathy could beat her own team. And now she's even MORE obsessed with beating them.

 

In what has become somewhat of a tradition over the last few weeks, the girls are backstage talking each other up. "Guys, whatever we get, be happy," says Kendall. "And don't be mad at anyone."

 

Nia's solo is first and she looks beautiful. "Was Nia's solo amazing?" Abby asks. I'm gonna guess no...when she asks, it's always no. She just hopes it's enough to help them beat Cathy. How about Kendall? Well, you'll be happy to know that she DOES have a costume, and Abby was impressed - she thinks it's good enough to beat the other girls. Chloe's routine has her playing the role of a rag doll, and it looks really cute, but am I the only one distracted by the schmutz on her head? Was this filmed on Ash Wednesday?

 

When awards are given out, Kendall wins 3^rd Place in her division - Nia and Chloe don't place. Abby isn't happy, and she gives all the girls a speech about what a real dancer is - dripping with sweat, bleeding blisters, the whole nine yards. Oh, yeah, and also? YOU BETTER NOT DROP YOUR HATS!

 

Cathy's boys do their group routine first and of course it's cool - we haven't seen this before. What isn't cool? The father sitting with Cathy making the Arsenio Hall "woofs" because he's so excited. Still, there's a lot going on, and the crowd goes wild for them, but my very refined dance palette isn't totally impressed.

 

"Pink Lemonade" is going really well, and I'm just about to make a note about how lovely the girls look and how well everyone is doing with their hats when....oops. MAN DOWN! Or, rather, PINK FEDORA DOWN! And it's Chloe's. And I just know this isn't going to end well. Abby doesn't even clap.

 

Christi knows. She's ready for it, and she tries to prepare Chloe for it. "Just so you know, Abby's going to come in here, it's going to be awful."

 

And it is.

 

Abby storms in, "Nice job, Chloe!" and this time Christi isn't allowing it to happen. She packs up Chloe's things and tells Abby she's done - she can replace Chloe, but she just wants Abby to shut up. And as Christi makes her way through the hallways ordering people (camera guy? fans? other dancers? not really sure...) out of her way, Chloe's innocent demonstration on how to wear a hat from earlier in the episode seems like some seriously dark foreshadowing.

 

If there's any saving grace, it comes only when we learn that Abby Lee has come in 1^st Place, beating the Candy Apples by a mere tenth of a point. As the team celebrates in their dressing room, Christi and Chloe board a taxi. "I just really don't think this is worth it anymore," says Christi.

 

I don't really know what else to say after that, but we all know Dance Moms never say die - they'll be back.

 

 

Dance Moms airs every Tuesday at 9/8c on Lifetime!

 

(Image courtesy of Lifetime)

 

 

Follow Kylene @keepingupwithky!