by Kylene Hamulak

 

It's time for the next round of Who's Getting Abused on Dance Moms! Our contestants - uh, I mean, moms - start filing in to the studio, and it doesn't take long for the absence of Christi and Chloe to be felt. Holly points out that, for as many times as the other mothers have threatened to leave, Christi never had. And now she did. And Chloe's gone.

 

"Maybe you'll have a spot on the pyramid, Brooke!" says Kelly. Yeah, not likely.

 

Let's talk about the pyramid. And by "talk" I mean listen to Abby tell the girls how it's not enough to WIN by a tenth of a point. If it's a tenth of a point? They might as well have lost. Except not really, because then they'd ACTUALLY be losers. But a tenth of a point is enough to cause a little shake up on the pyramid.

 

Starting with the top - literally. That's where we're starting, and Kendall has made it to the top for the first time ever. Jill thinks it's for the hard work, but honestly? It's because she beat Chloe. Maddie and Nia are in the middle of the pyramid. Brooke is on the bottom, and so is Mackenzie. Why? Because she was sleeping. Literally. Sleeping in the dressing room. Hey, those dance competitions are long days!

 

The best reveal, however, is poor Chloe, with a big black SUSPENDED branding her forehead. Good to see Abby's moved on from the hat incident. She's not the only one who was suspended - Christi is as well. Because HER behavior was deplorable. She's not allowed near the studio, and there's no telling how long that will last.

 

"I would like to know how long it's gonna take to get Brooke back on the pyramid," Kelly says before Abby reveals that Brooke has made it back. "Might wanna send Chloe a thank you note, cause her mother just bought you a spot on the pyramid," Abby tells her.

 

With that drama over (for the moment), Abby gives us this week's competition run down: looks like Cathy's returning to wreak havoc, Nia and Paige will have a duet, and Kendall doesn't have the only solo - Maddie FINALLY gets her own spotlight again. Everyone is excited and happy, but Abby crushes that joy bug immediately.

 

"Don't be so elated - it's like a default, like, by process of elimination." I can hear the little voice in Maddie's head going, "Oh...right...yes...of course, Miss Abby" while her face tries not to cry. Again.

 

Abby warns them all that if they don't win? They can be replaced. Haven't we seen this episode already? "If I can suspend Chloe, I can suspend you, too," she threatens. I know she thinks she suspended Chloe, but did anyone else see Christi ride off with her kid in a taxi? I'm not exactly sure who was in charge of this decision.

 

First rehearsals begin with the duet, as Nia and Paige prepare their "The Wallflower and the Wildchild" routine. Holly explains that Nia's excited, but she's nervous that the stress will trigger a relapse of her Reflux Neurosomethingsomething blah blah RND. You got it, Dr. Holly. We believe you. Basically it means that Nia thinks something hurts when people yell at her. I think I have it too.

 

So as Abby is yelling at poor Nia, Holly reveals that she has been complaining of pain in her foot and does have some sort of actual injury, unrelated to the RND. Possibly unrelated as well: Abby telling Nia, "You need to get your brain in your head. I'm speaking English, you know English, let's do it." Yeah, that doesn't seem stressful AT ALL.

 

Checking in with the Candy Apples, once again, Cathy is delighted that her boys brought Abby to "her cankles" and is eager to reveal her pyramid with boys we don't know or, let's be honest, particularly care about. There are only four of them, with one - Gino - at the top. Cathy calls him her "hot young lad from Miami." His dad looks appropriately uncomfortable with this since his son is, like, 11 years old. Cathy calls them an army, not a dance troupe where the "hats come off and the curls come tumbling down."

 

Nia's pain is self-described as a 7 out of 10, and that's too high for Holly. Oh, I know, I was shocked too - a Dance Mom who actually puts the well-being of her kid first? Well, it's because of her Refluxivegibberish Neurowhatnow Disorder, so she has good reason to be concerned. She asks her daughter what is stressing her out, and Nia replies, "I'm just kind of afraid my best isn't good enough right now."

 

You should know that RND is a real thing, regardless of how many times Holly says it and I don't understand it. The disorder - this is serious, guys - put Nia into a wheelchair when she was younger, so Holly is grateful that her daughter can dance at all. "She's a kid that wants to live every moment of her life to the fullest." I hate that Dr. Holly doesn't give me snark material.

 

Anyway, back at the studio, the girls are rehearsing the group routine, "Avalanche." Abby's got this whole scene in mind where the girls are ski bunnies trudging along, and then one of them misses a step and they all drop like flies. Is it disturbing to anyone else how much joy Abby takes in killing off girls in the group routines?

 

There's some sort of prop with this avalanche - it looks like a double pedestal thing, and it's supposed to serve as the mountain. Abby's looking for a girl to scale the "mountain" and survive over all the others. Then there's one kid, buried under the snow, who is to be painted blue. Paige, the fairest of them all, gets nominated, but Kelly isn't thrilled at the idea of her daughter being painted like a Na'avi warrior. Or a Smurf. And then there's the-WAIT.

WHAT?

 

The door opens and in walk - are you ready for this? - Sophia and Jackie! Not even ABBY knew they were coming back, but hey, what's it matter? It's SOPHIA! THE SUPERSTAR! Abby slides her right back into the group routine, and if I was Maddie? I'd probably watch my back. That solo may not be hers for very long.

 

Kelly, meanwhile, sees this as opportunity to get the contacts she needs to push her own kids along in singing and modeling. She corners Jackie, who Kelly thinks is a nice lady, and starts spilling all the studio gossip. Jackie looks like she'd rather be ANYWHERE else. I mean, if you watch closely, you can actually see her eyes darting for an escape. "Where's Kelly? She's schmoozing with her new BFF," says Jill.

 

Also schmoozing? Cathy with her "Apple Cores," which is the name of her boys' team, as they rehearse their "Top of the World" routine. We learn that they will be "oogling" over this girl they wished they could have as a girlfriend. Cathy's being weird. She says she's confident because she's surrounded by "Dance Dads" now. She does realize that bringing their kids to rehearsal is NOT the same as taking her on a date, right?

 

So...guess who's getting an Abby Lee solo. If you guessed Sophia, you are correct! Jackie's a little nervous that it's going to cause tension. Gee, ya think? She's trying to give Sophia a pep talk because, of course, she would normally never ever take a solo from someone else (Like. Ever.), so she should just let Abby handle it. For the record, Jackie feels TERRIBLE about it. For the record, Jackie? You should.

 

Meanwhile, Jill wants to talk to Abby because Kendall hasn't had as much rehearsal time as Abby. Doesn't this happen every week? Wasn't it Chloe last week? I'm actually more concerned about what's going on with Abby's eye shadow than anything else.

 

If anyone was concerned that there wasn't enough crying in this episode, you're in luck! Jill's talk with Abby has made Kendall a target, so when the girl starts crying (not even a lot, mind you - she never even stopped dancing) Abby declares her "the baby of the group." "I thought it was Mackenzie," she says. "It's you."

 

Abby can do this now, see. Cause she's got Sophia there to step right up. Abby sends Kendall out, and she's barely through the door before she REALLY starts crying. Jackie notices, and Holly notes that Jackie isn't used to Abby's techniques, and she's not comfortable when Abby starts yelling at the girls. Sooo, what you're saying, Holly, is that Jackie is...like the rest of us?

 

Crazy Candy Apple Cathy is shopping with Vivi, and, as she always does, is peppering Vivi with questions the poor kid doesn't want to answer. "What do you think of the boys?" "Who do you think is the BEST boy?" "What do you think of boys chasing a girl?" Dear God, if she makes Vivi the object of desire in this routine, I don't even know if I can report it to all of you.

 

"Don't you think it's kind of stupid that the boys are just pretending that there's a girl? Why not GET a girl?" says Cathy. Oh no. Here it comes. "You wouldn't wanna do it, would ya?"

 

"NO," answers Vivi. With not a second of hesitation. Cathy gives her The Look. Vivi shrugs. HA. Oh my gah, someone tell me I'm not alone in literally laughing out loud at Vivi's reactions to Cathy.

 

By the way, back at Abby Lee, Sophia and Jackie are missing. Abby doesn't mention it. She's too busy interrogating Nia. Holly tells the Moms that Abby is setting the duet up for disaster as it is, so when she starts looking at Nia's foot, Holly runs down to put a stop to it. Abby, ever concerned for the girls, tells Holly that she needs medical clearance for Nia to dance.

 

As they wait for the doctor, Holly tells Nia she thinks that maybe she's just feeling a little scared and intimidated. Nia stares back at her. "You can't worry about it," Holly says. Nia blinks twice. Wait - two blinks, is that a yes? The doctor does write her a note and says, "try to stay off it as much as possible." She might as well have winked when she did it.

 

Oh, p.s.- Sophia and Jackie? Still missing. Abby claims she has no idea where they are, but she thinks they could be on their way back to LA.

 

Maybe Sophia and Jackie will defect to Candy Apples when they see what surprises Cathy has in store! She's got them a crazy stretch limo with a party inside for the ride to Detroit. It's not classy, but it's kind of neat. I guess. They didn't show it, but I'm pretty sure this is the style with the stripper pole in it.

 

Arriving at the competition, Candy Apples pull up in their limo why ALDC parks the bus, and Cathy begins heckling Abby and her transportation. I give Abby credit for her restraint, right up to the point where she yells, "Cathy, go to hell!" I know this is a tv show, but it's absolutely ridiculous that ANYONE allowed these two women to be trading insults in the middle of the crowded lobby. And then when the dad gets involved? And it's all just a bunch of yelling? I'm uncomfortable watching it.

 

I'm not even sure this is good tv when you see a crowd of little kids in the middle of it all.

 

As you can imagine, this exchange puts Abby in an absolutely delightful mood. Somehow she starts arguing with Holly about Nia being immature (she's 11, by the way), Holly brings up her problems walking, and Abby says, "are we bringing up this feet thing again?" Holly tells Abby her daughter does NOT use the condition as a crutch...and, I'm sorry, but the pun made me giggle, even if it was not intentional. Abby threatens to pull the duet, and Holly calls her "a monstrosity of evil."

 

Duet? Gone. Because that's what Abby does. She punishes the girls for the sins of their moms. And in this case, Holly was absolutely right. "That's why I'm here - to defend my kid when she acts like a fool."

 

Now, I don't know why Candy Apple Cathy and her Dance Dads are allowed in the dressing room of Abby Lee Dance, but, alas, here they are, shocked and appalled that Chloe could be suspended from a dance team. Cathy is obnoxious, there's just no other way to describe it. "I hate to say it," admits Jill, "but we have to beat those kids."

 

When Abby returns from pulling the duet, we get possibly the saddest tears yet from Nia. She just wants to dance. "Abby giveth, and Abby taketh away," says the dance teacher. And Nia's face does that real slow cry. The one where you feel her spirit just crumble. And the thing is? We don't get this from Nia. She's always quiet, she's always dutiful, and her mom is usually staying out of trouble.

 

Kendall is the first solo up, performing the under rehearsed "Unmasked," and Abby declares it "all right." Candy Apple Gino goes next, doing his thing while Abby checks her cell phone. Maddie performs "Quicksand," and for a default entry, she's amazing. Melissa is crying, and she thanks Abby for letting Maddie dance.

 

I don't know how she pulled it off, but Cathy's Apple Cores give a really great group performance. I'm still not sure I'm as impressed as I should be, but the novelty is there and that's hard to beat. Our girls, in their snow bunny costumes, are super cute, and the serious dance looks good to my untrained eye. To Abby's trained eye? The girls made "several big mistakes" that she's hoping the judges didn't notice.

 

When awards are announced, Gino places 8^th in his division, while Maddie comes in 1st place and hopes she never loses her solo again.  Group doesn't go as well - Abby Lee is awarded 3^rd place, and the highest scoring group is Cathy's Apple Cores. Uh oh.

 

Yeah, and then it all goes to hell. Cathy and her dads stalk Abby and her moms, heckling her like Rita Skeeter all the way. When names are named - specifically, Cathy calling out Kendall while Abby suggests a Vivi vs Mackenzie battle (which, let's admit, would be really funny even if it wasn't dance) - it looks as though someone might need to call the cops, but the fight diffuses briefly, sending each team to their separate corners.

 

But come on. We know Cathy doesn't know enough to stay away. She comes right on back to poke Abby, who accidentally/on purpose throws water in Cathy's direction. "I didn't mean to do that," insists Abby, "I thought the witch would melt!" Ok, that's a point to Abby. Cathy comes back swinging - literally, with her purse - and nails Abby before walking away. It looks like that might be the end, until Jill, still pissed off that Kendall was dragged into the fray, splashes more water at Cathy (on purpose for sure), and Cathy turns around to go back and forth a couple rounds.

 

She's super smug when she leaves, flanked by her dance dads. Cathy's playing the victim, as if she didn't go IN TO enemy territory. She swears she's going to continue beating Abby Lee again and again and again. I assume she means in dance and not with her purse, but who ever really knows with Cathy.

 

As all of this winds down, Abby is stunned. So she calls her mom and relays all the day's events to her, which is kind of weird considering all the Moms are just there packing up.

 

"What goes around comes around," Holly tells us, "and karma's there when you need it."

 

There ya have it. Don't mess with Dr. Holly.

 

 

Dance Moms airs every Tuesday at 9/8c on Lifetime!

 

(Image courtesy of Lifetime)

 

 

Follow Kylene @keepingupwithky!