by Kylene Hamulak

 

If there's one good thing that's come out of Dance Moms this season, it's been the importance of friendship. Sticking by your ladies when things are tough, supporting each other, forging a team that becomes a force to be reckoned with.

 

I'm talking about the kids, of course. The Moms? Not so much. Christi's absence is still felt at Abby Lee Dance, especially because she won't respond to Kelly's attempts at contact. Get ready to turn the awkward meter up a few notches though, cause Chloe is returning to the studio.

 

"I wanna walk into that studio like I want a stiletto jammed in my eyeball." Thanks for that exceptional analogy, Christi. "But we're back because Chloe wants to dance, and I don't do this for myself, I do it for my daughter."

 

As Christi approaches the studio, I'm wondering if this entrance will be any different from the other returns we've seen this season. The crickets a few seconds later say, "Nope!" Christi wants to talk to Abby in private, but Abby just shakes her head. So it's cool that we're being mature about all of this. While Chloe reunites with her very happy friends in a big ol' squealy group hug, Christi apologizes to Abby for her behavior and notes that it would be unfair to take it out on Chloe, which Abby responds to with a sarcastic...chuckle? What do we call that sound Abby does that translates to, "Chloe is a dead duck"?

 

Sometimes Abby makes sense. It's not often of course, but it happens. Most times, however, Abby just slings whatever insults come into her head, like she's filling out Mad Libs. She's appalled that Christi would have the nerve to talk to her and informs her minions that Christi has "big balls, like a man, cause that's what she is. She's disgusting." Er....ok, Abby.

 

So now it's time for pyramid, and - oh right. That's right. ALDC lost last week. To Candy Apple Cathy and her boys team. How did Abby feel about that? Well, Dr. Holly very astutely observes that Abby did not like losing to Cathy's team. This ought to be fun.

 

Chloe, of course, isn't on the pyramid. Nia, Paige, and Kendall are on the bottom - Nia because of Holly, Paige because of Nia, and Kendall - let's be honest - because of Sophia, whose presence probably prevented Kendall from getting appropriate rehearsal time for her solo. In the middle, Mackenzie (who Abby has described as the "weak link") and Brooke both get "excellent" remarks from Abby. Maddie is back at the top.

 

The group routine this week is called "Money is the Root of All Evil" and will feature all the dancers. "I really don't know about the group routine this week," says Christi. "I don't really equate money with evil. Abby, yes. Money? No."

 

You know what I don't know about? Abby's plan to use ACTUAL money on the costumes. I mean, I love that joke about the millionaire and his suit made of money as much as the next guy, but, as Holly says, "We spend enough money on costumes as it is!"

 

During the first group rehearsal, Abby tells the girls to imagine being in a speakeasy or a nightclub. Right. Because these girls average about 10 years old, so I can see where that's the experience they'll draw from. I'm not even sure they know what a speakeasy is!

 

And by "they," I mean the Moms, as Holly explains mere seconds after the thought leaves my head. "They're bars," says Holly. Jill breaks out her bedazzled cell phone to Google it. It's a great history lesson. This week's Dance Moms brought to you by Nucky Thompson.

 

After the Prohibition lesson is done, the Moms catch Christi up on the drama she missed, right up to the part of the drama she created, and they're probably all wishing they were in a speakeasy. Kelly wants to know why Christi didn't answer her call or texts, which Christi claims she must not have gotten. Kelly doesn't believe her - she may not have left a message, but OBVIOUSLY when you see a missed call, you call the person back.

 

(Sidenote: My friends need to know that this is FALSE. I'll pretty much never call you back unless you leave me a message or a text. Most times I assume your butt is dialing me.)

 

Christi admits she was waiting for Kelly to call her and was hurt that Kelly didn't reach out more, Kelly claims she did, there's yelling, blah blah blah. The most interesting part of this exchange is Abby peeking up at the gallery to see what's going on with the Moms instead of yelling at the girls.

 

That doesn't last long though. Abby is correcting most of the girls by name, but then there's Chloe. Oh, excuse me - I mean, "That Girl." Also known as "Girl in the Front" and "You There."

 

Melissa recruits Kelly to go to the costume shop with her because she wants to get the scoop and "help out" with whatever's going on between her and Christi.

 

Oh yeah. Right. "Help out," huh Melissa? Wink wink, right?

 

If you felt like it's been a while since we've seen the tears of an Innocent, you'd be right, but not for long - Chloe is upset over being called "Girl," and Nia testifies as well, "she's being really mean to her." Always love when these girls stick together.

 

"It kinda really hurts my feelings," says Chloe, "cause I'm still a person." Christi tries to console her and tells her not to let Abby have that power. She is Christi's daughter, after all.

 

Brooke's solo is called "Careless."  "Abby gave this to me because she knows I could care less about dance," Brooke tells us. "So that's why I'm doing the solo." Bwahahaha - possibly the best quote since anything out of Mackenzie's mouth.

 

She's right though. Even Abby says it, "Brooke - do you care? Or could you (dramatic pause) care less."

 

And I just need to say right here that I always hate when people say that because it suggests you DO care, if you have the capacity to care LESS. Shouldn't it be that you COULDN'T care less? But I digress....

 

You know who's awesome? Nia. She's gonna go in and ask Abby if she and Paige can do the duet this week. "I'm a little terrified for her," Paige tells us. "Abby can be a little scary at times." I notice that Paige did not volunteer to join Nia.

 

And you know what happens?

 

Good things. Abby is impressed that Nia - not Holly - came to her to ask for the duet. "That's exactly what I want to see," says Abby. "Nia, you've got my attention."

 

All the talk of speakeasies and Prohibition must've gotten to Christi and Melissa, cause these two Moms are goin' out for drinks and gossip! Watch your back, Kelly....

 

Maddie's solo, "You Don't Know Me," is supposed to be more edgy than her usual lyrical routines. And guess who's getting a chance to do their duet? Nia and Paige! Things are looking up at the studio, except for....well, except for Christi and Kelly. They're still not talking. And Christi is having a tough time with EVERYTHING. She's the self-proclaimed "snarky bitch" of the group. (Sidenote: Isn't that ALL of them?) She's not the emotional one.

 

She's about to get a little more emotional though - the girls are getting yelled at. All of them, really, because the group routine isn't competition ready. Continuing to take the brunt, however, is Blondie - uh, excuse me, Chloe. Sorry. It seems, however, that Christi the Snarky Bitch is ready to make her comeback, refusing to allow Abby to continue to avoid using her daughter's name.

 

The day of competition, there's so much going on that, as Melissa points out, being at In10sity seems very appropriate. Kelly and Christi are still not speaking, Abby and Kelly are yelling about the duet, Kelly is throwing Melissa under the bus after Abby accuses her of being jealous of Maddie...it's kind of insane. As Christi says, "There's a huge elephant in the room, and for once it's not Abby."

 

Maddie's solo goes really well - "When she stepped on that stage," Abby notes, "it was allll about Maddie." Kelly would probably question when is it NOT all about Maddie. (Answer: When it's about Sophia.) Surprisingly, Abby thinks Brooke did well too.

 

Nia and Paige bring "The Wild Child and The Wall Flower" back to the stage, and it's super cute. So cute that ABBY smiles. Smiles! For real! Sure, as she points out, they could've been technically better, but she's very pleased with their ability to tell the story. And it seems to me that Nia and Paige are just happy to have done their dance.

 

Group routine goes well too, but did anyone else get a little weirded out by some of the facial expressions? No? Just me? Ok, then how about when Jill did Gangnam Style, was THAT weird for anyone else?

 

Yeah, thought so.

 

When it's time for awards, Nia and Paige are awarded 4^th Place for their duet, while Brooke earns 5^th Place for her solo - enough to show Abby that she cared just a little bit.  Maddie gets 1^st Place, which was not really a surprise to anyone. And as for the group routine? Thank GOD our girls are awarded 1^st Place for their overall high score - that whole not winning thing kind of sucked.

 

With all these great awards, Abby is in a pretty good mood. She's also not hating the fact that Christi and Kelly are at odds with each other instead of picking a fight with her. The two Moms take their conversation out to the hallway so that Jill has to listen at the door. Their voices are both so high pitched that you can barely distinguish between the two of them, but use of the a word that rhymes with "luck" is pretty popular. (Hint: the word in question is not "duck".) They're still not speaking at episode end.

 

The previews for the next episode show a personal loss for Abby that's going to be difficult to watch - I'm just warning you all right now. Next week, the girls won't be the only ones crying.

 

 

Dance Moms airs every Tuesday at 9/8c on Lifetime!

 

(Image Courtesy of Lifetime)

 

 

Follow Kylene @keepingupwithky!