by Kylene Hamulak

 

There's going to be crying on Dance Moms tonight. I'm warning you in advance, because I already know it's going to happen.

 

In the words of *NSYNC: It's gonna be me.

 

So be prepared.

 

Our crew is at the studio ready for pyramid but missing one pretty important component: Abby. Christi wonders if there's a rule about being able to leave if the teacher doesn't show up on time. Yes, Christi. Real life is EXACTLY like college. Especially the part where you're paying for your daughter to be in the dance class you want to get out of.

 

"Everyone's all, like, 'Where's Abby? Where's Abby?' and I'm all like, Who the hell cares? PARTAY!" Yep - Christi was for sure super popular in college.

 

When Abby does arrive, she tells us that it's going to be a rough week for her - Broadway Baby has passed away. I'm gonna just skip over this part of it to spare you all the feels, but know that this may be the only time in the history of Dance Moms that all our girls and all our Moms were feeling the same thing as Abby.

 

Briefly, though. Because we've still got a job to do, and that job includes the pyramid. Paige and Brooke are both at the bottom, and Kelly wonders if it's personal. Mackenzie is in the bottom too, but Abby does think she did great with the choreography. Kendall and Nia are in the middle of the pyramid, and, SOOOO-PRIZE, Maddie is at the top of the pyramid, which is a relief for Melissa. Chloe, meanwhile, is still on suspension.

 

The competition this week is in St. Louis, and both Nia and Maddie will have solos. Abby warns everyone that an old nemesis will be there too - Black Patsy. I always feel like I'm tip-toeing around a hate crime when I call her that, but that's what she insists on, so who am I to argue? Abby begs the Moms for no chaos. Not gonna lie, I snorted a little. Has she met our Moms?

 

During group rehearsal, Abby begins to break down and acknowledges that she just wants to be home and sad, then excuses herself from the studio.  Kelly thinks she's taking it to the extreme.  "This is a dog," says Kelly. And then she laughs.

 

You're messing with the wrong blogger, Kelly. That's one strike.

 

The Moms are discussing how the girls can honor Baby, and Melissa suggests a big card. They talk about dedicating the group routine to Baby as well, but then Jill is all, like, "oh hey, Abby is vulnerable, let's take advantage of that and just totally redo the routine and pick a new song!" I mean, not verbatim, but that's the idea. Not a GOOD idea. But the idea.

 

Also delusional? Melissa. Christi warns them they'll get in trouble if they consider changing Abby's routine, but for God knows what reason, Melissa thinks Abby will appreciate it.

 

Excuse me, what now? Have you ever met Abby, Melissa? What the hell is going on with Dance Moms tonight? First Abby telling the Moms to avoid chaos, now this? Why does everyone think there have been personality transplants?

 

Hey, remember last week when Christi and Kelly were going at it? That's still happening.

 

Abby's gone home to be sad, and my insides feel all kinds of twisty as she sits with her mom talking about what a great dog Baby was. Truth is, Abby's feeling guilty - she wonders if there was something more she could've done, though her mom thinks maybe it was just her time to go. Sidenote: this same conversation happened in my house when we lost our own "baby," and I'm having a little PTSD about it.

 

QUICK! Someone send a puppy to my house RIGHT NOW.

 

Everything Abby says about her dog is true. How they make your stress go away when they greet you after a tough day at work. How, no matter how evil you were to the people who pissed you off all day, they still want to give you kisses and sit in your lap. How they're your kids.

 

Who knew it would be an animal who proved to us that Abby was still human?

 

Mackenzie wonders if dogs go to Heaven. The Moms assure her that they do, but Kelly points out that Abby probably hopes Baby goes to Hell, since that's where she's going to be.

 

Too soon, Kelly. Too soon.

 

As a side note, Abby's mom is kind of adorable. Abby's nervous to leave her alone now - what if something happens to her while she's on the road with the kids? Her mom tells her she has to get back to the studio to teach the kids, but Abby tells her they're unappreciative.

 

And just like that, our old Abby is back. She says they roll their eyes and are bratty, and HER Baby never did that. To be fair, Abby, your Baby never made it to the top of the pyramid either, so let's not compare them TOO closely.

 

Meanwhile at the studio, those unappreciative brats are making a card for Abby, hoping it can help cheer her up.

 

Since Abby still isn't back in the studio, Nyala is rehearsing with the girls. When Kelly and Holly go to check things out and find out if Abby will be back for competition, it doesn't seem she will be. "Oh, God," says Kelly. "We're screwed."

 

Checking in with Black Patsy, her daughter Nicaya is rehearsing a solo that will call for a lot of angst. Black Patsy wants to see struggle. "Don't dance like some rich kid from Pittsburgh," she tells her daughter.

 

Nia is practicing her solo too, and something about it is making the Moms nervous: she's got a hat. Holly notes that Abby gets pretty upset if you drop a hat onstage, and Kelly doesn't want to lose ANOTHER friend over a dropped hat. Cue the fighting again. Yawn.

 

Abby finally makes it back to the studio, telling us that nothing makes her happier than working with Maddie. Congratulations, Maddie. Careful she doesn't try to put you on a leash and take you home with her.

 

When Abbie asks to see the group number, she's in for a surprise - it's completely different from the one she abandoned earlier in the week. Abby's assistant explains that the girls wanted to surprise her with a tribute to Baby.

 

"The girls?" asks Abby, "or their MOTHERS." Dun Dun Duuuuuuunnnnn.

 

On the bright side, I'm sure Abby's reaction is a good part of her grieving process. She's pretty pissed off that they've completely disregarded her wishes. On the other hand, however...Mourning Abby was a lot easier to get along with.

 

Abby decides to let them use the music, but the girls are going to improv the routine. Chloe describes it best: "Miss Abby had us do this big improv section. It was definitely...somethin' unusual."  Eeeek.

 

By the time competition rolls around, Abby is pretty much back to normal competition form. Black Patsy is waiting to welcome ALDC to St. Louis by heckling "Dr. Holly." Dr. Holly, meanwhile, does not get the stamp of approval from Abby for the costume she made for Nia. Is anyone surprised?

 

Nia's solo, "Breakin' My Heart," looks terrific. It's strange to see her so grown up considering how "cute" her performance in the duet was last week. "She's doing her absolute best, there's nothing more I can ask her to do," says Holly.

 

Black Patsy isn't threatened by Abby Lee Dance Company - she just wants to show them some REAL competition. Her daughter serves that purpose. She dances beautifully...too bad her mom is crazy pants. Abby, however, thinks that she's regressed.

 

"Showing you my heart," Maddie's solo - well, wait, before we talk about the dancing, what the hell was that costume? It's got, like, a HEART stuck on it and a feather wing that looks like it might have been sewn on backwards or...I don't even know. The routine is gorgeous (as usual), but the real news here comes as Maddie is exiting the stage and her dedication to Broadway Baby is announced for the crowd.

 

Gulp.

 

Abby seems touched, knowing that Melissa had Maddie make the dedication, but Kelly is less impressed. "Really, Melissa? Do you have to make EVERYTHING about your kids?" Christi is pissed too - she feels like ALL the girls wanted to contribute. Abby tells Melissa that Maddie's dancing IS a tribute to Baby, who always made everyone smile - just like Maddie's dancing.

 

Too bad the other moms aren't buying it. They want to know why Melissa steals their ideas for the group just to get Maddie ahead. Melissa thinks they're jealous that she and Abby are friends again.

 

Hey guys! Remember how we still have an improv group routine to do? Abby doesn't think they have a shot at winning, considering the lack of preparation. They pull it off onstage, but it's hard to tell what they're up against. Black Patsy, sitting behind ALDC, is mumbling about Nia being a beat off the rest of the group, but Holly thinks she's wrong. Of course, Black Patsy (can I just call her Black? Or Patsy?) continues, and Holly says she's not engaging.

 

"Then why'd you say something to begin with," questions Black Patsy.

"I'm disengaging," responds Holly. Ahahaha....love it, Dr. Holly.

 

Abby doesn't appreciate the comments either, and she leaves before she is forced to reply. Black Patsy thinks she ran her out. "If she thinks that she ran me out of that auditorium, she better think again. I gracefully exited," says Abby. For once, she's the bigger person. (Ha... "for once"....)

 

Black Patsy's not done though. She's targeting Kendall next, and Jill's not as good at keeping her cool as Holly is. "I just think it's hysterical to see Jill trying to get all hood rat," says Christi, before she reenacts the altercation for us, giving Jill some kind of posh accent in the process. The other Moms manage to break up the scene and Abby apologizes on behalf of ALDC, but Black Patsy isn't done yet. She yells some things that should not be yelled in the echoey caverns of a theater like that, and Jill is annoyed that the other mothers didn't back her up.

 

"I was really worried that Black Patsy was gonna pull out my weave," says Christi.

 

The nice thing about this altercation? Kelly and Christi realize they need to rejoin their forces to fight evil. Their own fight? Over.

 

Before awards are presented, the announcer apologizes again for the situation and tells the crowd that the person responsible has been asked to leave. Black Patsy is shown with Nicaya, threatening that if she comes back, Abby Lee Dance better watch out.

 

The first award goes to Best Costume (since when is this a thing?) for Nia! She's proud, Dr. Holly is proud, and Abby is amusingly amazed. "Take that, Abby," says Holly. Nia's not done with awards though - she also scored 3^rd overall! First place, of course, goes to Maddie.

 

No one expects much from the Group Routines, and when 2^nd place is announced, it's not Abby Lee. Imagine their surprise when the group number wins 1^st Place! I think this is the first time this season we've had a happy dressing room at the end of a competition!

 

And then they did it. They start showing a happy little montage of the dog and Abby tells them all to say a prayer for Baby. And now I'm crying again.

 

Well...I guess better that it's me than one of the kids.

 

 

Dance Moms airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on Lifetime!

 

(Image courtesy of Lifetime)