by Kylene Hamulak

 

"Second place is the first loser." And on Dance Moms, that just won't do. Well...usually. Following the competition in New Jersey where the girls took second place a bunch of times, Abby comes out not yelling, but lecturing the girls in a calm voice.

 

You know how this is, people. It's not great when your mom is YELLING at you, but it's oh-so-much worse when she's using her quiet voice. That's how you know you're in REAL trouble. The Mom's don't trust it either.

 

Bottom of the pyramid this week? Mackenzie, Nia, and Paige. No real surprises there. Middle of the pyramid, Maddie - well, that's new. Kendall is up there too, right next to Maddie, and she and Jill are thrilled. "Only one spot til she gets to the top," Jill says, "and I'm not gonna stop til she gets there." Look out, ladies.

 

Holly isn't impressed by Abby's praise of Jill for using cutthroat tactics to move her daughter up on the pyramid. As smug as Jill appears at the moment, Dr. Holly tells us how she thinks the tactics are devious. "I'd rather have my kid low on the pyramid," she says. Bravo, Holly - think of how much you'll save on therapy with that attitude!

 

Brooke is the top of the pyramid. Kelly thinks it's because she deserved to be there and was AHHH-MAAYYY-ZEEENG in everything. I kinda think it was just because there was nowhere else to put her.

 

It's worse for Blondie - uh, sorry, Chloe. (My mistake, I thought we were still not referring to her by name.) She's still not on the pyramid, and when she timidly raises her hand and asks in her small voice, "What about me?," Abby replies, "What about you." She's still on suspension.

 

This week's group routine is "Don't Ask, Just Tell." Abby gives a history lesson about Don't Ask, Don't Tell and then compares gays in the military to cattiness in dance class. It's easy to see that correlation, right? Brooke and Kendall get solos this week, along with Maddie. Abby then dismisses the girls, asking the Moms to take their places so she can yell at them about how the kids need to get back to the basics if they want to win.

 

Apparently "the basics" equals boot camp. Like, literally. Abby wants them "sweating, bleeding, crying" and wanting it bad.

 

Meanwhile, up in the peanut gallery, Melissa is casually like, "oh hey, I was looking up honeymoon destinations," and the other Moms hear a cartoonish screeeechy sound and get whiplash turning in her direction. Honeymoonsaywhaaaaat? Melissa is apparently wearing a wedding band, though, as Christie points out, no one remembers a wedding. It's just going to be a little wedding. Kelly hopes Abby's not on the guest list. "I feel sorry for anyone who has to wrestle her for that bouquet," adds Christi.

 

Back to the group dance - Abby is giving us some additional information about her take on things. Apparently, she wants everyone to be proud of themselves and speak up....except probably Chloe. And also anyone else who doesn't agree with what she says. The Moms interpret it differently - Christi thinks she's showing her support for the gay community.

 

Dr. Holly isn't done with this whole "Jill's a sneak" issue. While the other Moms discuss how Abby is teaching the girls that your mom can move you up on the pyramid, Jill sits quietly looking like she's smelling something awful. Melissa also stays quiet, weighing the pros and cons of Hawaii vs. Aruba as honeymoon destinations. Holly and Jill go back and forth until Holly concedes, "You're entitled to your WRONG opinion, that's fine!" Point to Holly, say the expressions on Kelly and Christi's faces.

 

Does anyone else get uncomfortable watching Abby take a phone call from a - dun dun duunnnnnn - GUY?! She's giggly and pacing and WHO THE HELL IS CALLING ABBY? "Maybe she called Jill's 900 number!" suggests Christi. "Stop with it," says Jill. "If you notice, I haven't had that in a while!"

 

Oh God. Abby just told someone she needs "a little hubba hubba." WHAT? Can my ears unhear that? Christi and I are on the same page. "Talk about don't ask, don't tell - I don't want her to tell me anything, because the images that come to mind are HORRIFYING."

 

Where did she meet her mystery man? Not at the speed dating event. Oh no. She met him at the GAS STATION. He offered to pump her gas. I'm still trying to determine if that was a euphemism or not.

 

In rehearsal for her solo, "Secrets and Lies," Kendall is being reprimanded for being "dead in the face." Abby warns her that if she wants to be Maddie, she's gotta work on her face. As a side note, Kendall is dressed like Belle in her rehearsal.

 

When group rehearsal begins and Mackenzie is not part of it, Melissa finds her in the locker room crying. "I should just go home," she says. "I don't wanna let her down." Melissa tells us she hurt her foot two weeks ago, but Abby thinks she doesn't want to be the reason they don't win. Mackenzie is called back in to try to dance on it...why? Not sure. Christi isn't sure either. Either she's hurt or she's not, right?

 

We'll deal with that later. Right now, its PAMPER ABBY TIME! She's getting her nails done for her big date, and Jill, Holly, and Melissa ("The three blind mice" as Abby calls them) show up at the salon. Sample exchange: Jill wraps a colorful scarf around Abby. "Jill. I got one thing going for me, and it's cleavage. I'm not covering it up."

Jill asks her what she's going to wear - "I'm gonna wear a black shirt and I'm gonna wear some rhinestone jewelery and bling...." Cut to Melissa, whistfully thinking, "Maybe I'll wear rhinestones to my wedding...."

 

"Whaddya gonna do if he shows up with a baseball cap?" asks Jill. OH THE HORROR! A baseball cap! "HE WON'T JILL, HE'S COOL!" says Abby. And everyone knows cool guys don't wear baseball caps. "I keep telling you, inside, I'm like a size 6 Prada!" I'm not sure what's more absurd - this statement from Abby or Jill doing some version of the Single Ladies dance that she learned on her 900 number.

 

He doesn't show up in a baseball cap, by the way. He shows up in a bow tie. But he is wearing jeans.

 

Because this is Dance Moms, of course the three blind mice go out to greet Louie while Abbie finishes her primping. "Ohhhh, she's gonna hate his jeeeans," says Melissa. "Should I take them off?" asks Louie. Dr. Holly blushes.

 

So here's who you do NOT want to greet your date before you do: Jill and Melissa. Unless, of course, you want your date to know all about how you like to boss people around and talk about yourself. I'm pretty sure Louie was being sarcastic when he said, "It was nice meeting you all!"

 

And here's where I get nervous: Abby asks the ladies how tall he is (not very). Apparently she didn't really get a good look because she never got out of the car. Gulp. She tells us, "Louie is not exactly how I remember him. He's much more petite." Double gulp.

 

Most truthful statement ever on Dance Moms: As Abby leaves with Louie and the Moms say goodbye, Louie asks, "They're your friends?" Abby replies, "No, they're not my friends. They're my customers."

 

Louie, apparently, has rented out the entire place for their dinner. So points for that. He's writing a book. Points for that too. He thinks he's on the verge of figuring women out. Points for-wait, hold on, say WHAT? If that's the case, you totally deserve to be on a date with Abby, who is having a seizure laughing so hard. "I like a guy who can make me laugh," she says. So I guess things are going great.

 

Abby asks about his dance background - turns out he was a stripper. He refers to himself as "180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal."

 

Never before have I been so grateful to get back to the studio for rehearsal. Until, while recounting her date to the three blind mice, Abby tells the Moms, "Let's just say, I teach the girls ALMOST everything."

 

I got the shivers hearing it. I'm so sorry you had to read it.

 

During Brooke's solo, Abby confirms what I have assumed the entire episode: "I keep throwing her on the top of the pyramid hoping, someday, she might just rise to the occasion." She believes Brooke is a terrific dancer - she just doesn't want it enough.

 

You know who DOES want it? Jill. She's busy getting Kendall new head shots, while Kendall is busy wishing her mother wasn't such a nag. "The sky's the limit and now is the time. I've got to take advantage of this beautiful little girl RIGHT NOW." Awww, way to be supportive, Mom! She jumps in to take a photo with Kendall...and then pushes Kendall to the side so she isn't blocking her light.

 

Melissa, meanwhile, has decided to take the Moms shopping for wedding gowns with her. Instead of, you know, threatening them with legal action like she did last year. The Moms are using this as a wedding shower of sorts (Who does that? In a bridal salon?), so Jill has arranged for decadent desserts and champagne. Sadly, there does not seem to be a bow hat, which means I am better at being a bridesmaid than the Moms are.

 

I'm also really confused because Melissa keeps saying things like "IF I did decide to have a wedding...." If? What the hell are you trying on dresses for if you're not having a wedding? Most people have showers at restaurants or reception halls or even homes - a bridal salon? That's unconventional for sure!

 

And then Dance Mom turns into Say Yes to the Dress, as Melissa parades around in gowns for the other ladies. "I think that dress would be amazing if you were, like, 23. And a virgin," says Christi. She goes further to tell us that, while the dresses are beautiful, "I think that when you're on your third marriage...I don't know if they're the appropriate choice."

 

Oh, and there's champagne. Did I mention that? It's important that I mention that. When Melissa yells out that she's naked, Christi shouts back, "Are you wearing undies?" "Just my spanx," replies Melissa. "Well you're already one step ahead of Kelly!" Christi is terrific tonight. Drunk, but terrific. So is Holly. Was I the only one who yelled "MAN DOWN!" when she spilled her champagne?

 

Then Melissa comes out in this gorgeous princess gown with layer after layer of poofiness. She's crying and declaring "I LOVE THIS DRESS," like, at least six times. It's so poofy, she could probably fit Maddie and Mackenzie underneath it, and they could emerge from under the skirt like Mother Gigogne in The Nutcracker. Meanwhile, Jill still looks like she's smelling something.

 

Since the first hour of the show has focused on the personal lives of Abby and the Moms, the second half, should be more about the girls. Melissa decides to take Mackenzie to the hospital to get her foot checked out. Dr. Holly is surprised - she thinks everything looked fine in rehearsal.

 

Once again in group rehearsal, Abby is trying to explain the story behind "Don't Ask, Just Tell." None of the girls asked their moms about it because - hellllloooo - none of them really care. Because they're 11. And they want to dance. Same as how they didn't ask their moms about speakeasies a few weeks ago. So Abby decides it's time for the girls to learn about gay people, so she brings the Moms in to lecture them about having the conversation with their kids.

 

Kelly is first. Brooke and Paige are picking out costumes, so Kelly thinks this is a good time to explain gay people to the kids, and how lots of boy dancers are gay. I'm actually a little concerned by the fact that Paige, especially, needs this lesson at all until Kelly asks them if they're ok with people being gay and she responds, "A lot of the gay people that I've met are a lot funnier. And a lot more attractive."

 

PAIGE KNOWS MORE THAN ANY OF YOU IDIOTS. Kelly agrees. "Some of the best people in the world to be friends with are gay people," she says. Right, Kelly. Or like...funny straight people, too.

 

As it turns out, Mackenzie's foot (ankle? Something at the end of her leg) is not broken, but it is sprained, which will keep her off the dance floor for three days. Kelly's still not buying it, and during her interrogation she asks her how she feels about not being able to dance. "Sad," Mackenzie says. Through a huge smile. Hmmm....

 

Getting to competition, Abby says she will NOT accept anything less than first place. Just remember that. Just in case.

 

Meanwhile, she's pissed about Mackenzie, who hands her the doctor's note that says she can't dance for three days. Well then. If you can't dance? You might as well have it amputated. No running/walking around the auditorium for you, Mackenzie! Nope, you're gonna ride in style! And by "style", of course, I mean a rickety wheelchair that might have come from an orphanage during World War II. It kind of backfires though because then Mackenzie just wants to pop wheelies instead.

 

Kendall's performance of "Secrets and Lies" goes well, though Abby doesn't know if it'll be enough to beat Maddie. Maddie's "Uphill Battle" impressed Melissa, and even though that's not hard to do, it's still really great.

 

Kelly is irritated because Abby has spent no time watching Brooke or offering any advice to get her prepared. Problem is, she's airing her grievance to Christi, whose kid doesn't even make it on the damn pyramid. Meanwhile, Jill excuses herself to go use the bathroom, which probably means Kendall has a private lesson down a hallway somewhere.

 

Well, close - she actually wants to track Abby down so she can show her Kendall's new headshots. With nothing against Kendall, I gotta say - I don't think the new headshot is all that much better than the old headshot. Her chin looks super sharp or something. But ok, Jill - if that's what you want, we'll use it on the pyramid.

 

Sidenote: Apparently while we weren't looking, Mackenzie's been doing cartwheels on her injured foot. The Moms confront Melissa about it, wondering if she's just covering for Mackenzie because she doesn't want to do the group dance. Nope. Melissa's kid is NOT a liar.

 

Brooke's routine, "Arm Yourself," looks beautiful, and Kelly thinks that if Abby had paid a little more attention, she may not have forgotten a step. Does Brooke care? Nope. "Better than her yellin' at me," she says.

 

Speaking of yelling....

 

Remember those cartwheels Mackenzie was doing? Yeah, Abby knows about them. Melissa and Mack swear she wasn't on her foot, but Abby's not buying it. She lines all the girls up for what she calls "interrogation tactics." Look, if she starts waterboarding the girls, I think I might have to stop watching.

 

The girls are lined up and being interrogated, but they're all trying not to laugh. Oh gah, if I was in that lineup? Abby would be having me do push ups, because I would have the giggles the second Nia opened her mouth. They all crack when Abby asks if anyone in the room saw Mackenzie upside down. Oops.

 

The troops are ready to hit the stage for their hip hop battle, and it seemed like it went really well...to me. Abby looks pissed off. Holly says it wasn't seamless, flawless, or perfect, but it WAS entertaining.

 

Abby lines the girls up - again - and makes each of them tell her something they did wrong before they drop to give her pushups. Some, like Nia, know they twisted the wrong way. Kendall just feeds back what she's gotten in trouble for all episode. Maddie makes something up, Chloe picks something random, then Abby gets bored and decides to punish them all for the hell of it. Whatever.

 

So who's getting awards? Brooke is awarded 2^nd for her routine. Kendall gets 4^th, but in the same division? Maddie gets 2^nd. Yikes. They start announcing the group awards from 10^th Place, which seems kind of odd to me. Do we really need to listen to the ENTIRE field of winners? Well, as it turns out, when Abby Lee Dance comes in 7^th Place, we do.

SEVENTH.

 

The Moms aren't that surprised. But SEVENTH. Not the first losers, at least.

 

Abby comes in waving a white flag. Which is actually a hanky. She surrenders, but she tells us it's not funny. Except it IS funny, kind of. She yells a little bit, but we've seen worse.

 

Next week: Candy Apple Cathy returns. Something tells me we have more yelling in our future.

 

Dance Moms airs next Tuesday at 8/7c on Lifetime!

 

(Image Courtesy of Lifetime)

 

Follow Kylene on Twitter at @keepingupwithky!