by Kylene Hamulak

 

Last week on Dance Moms, the episode ended with the girls in 7^th Place. SEVENTH. So yeah, I think we're all a little worried about pyramid this week.

 

Mackenzie is on the bottom of the pyramid, mostly because she was doing cartwheels when she was supposed to be in a wheelchair. That's not all though - she's BENCHED. Paige isn't benched, but she's still on the bottom of the pyramid, and so is her sister. Kelly wonders if the fact that her girls are "always at the bottom" has something to do with her, while I wonder if she remembers last week when Brooke was anointed with the top spot. Chloe and Maddie are in the middle of the pyramid with Kendall and her new headshots. And on the top of the pyramid? Nia! Abby tells her, "You were Beyonce up there."  Good for Nia - she deserves it.

 

The girls are headed back to Ohio, which means Candy Apple Cathy will be there too. When Abby announces that the group routine will be about Rosa Parks, my immediate thought is if Abby will be more willing to give a Civil Rights lesson than she was a Gay Rights lesson last week. Holly's immediate thought, "Since Nia is on top of the pyramid and it's a dance called Rosa Parks...."

 

"I have NO IDEA who will play Rosa Parks," Abby announces to the room.

 

"I ABSOLUTELY want Nia to play Rosa Parks," Abby announces to the confessional.

 

That's not the weirdest thing though. The weirdest thing is Abby acting like she's a host on What Not to Wear, criticizing Holly's skirt and hair. Say what now? Apparently she's been DYING to "spruce up" Holly's wardrobe and plans to dangle Rosa Parks in front of her for the opportunity. I'm not sure Abby understands how Civil Rights work, but ok.

 

Christi shares, "My favorite part about about Abby's accessories is that they're all organized in a shoebox by color: RED plastic rhinestone crap...BLUE plastic rhinestone crap...."

 

Kendall's getting a solo this week, "Look At Me Now", and she's going to have the challenge of working on her face. Maddie gets another chance for a solo, this one called, "Breaking Down Walls." The final routine? "Broadway Blondes," a Paige and Chloe duet. Oh, don't get too giddy about it yet, blonde ones. It's not because Paige is finally good enough to dance with Chloe. It's only because Chloe has gotten bad enough to dance with Paige. The girls thank you for the confidence boost, Abby!

 

As the other girls rehearse, let's turn to one of my favorite segments of the show - the wisdom of Mackenzie. When asked if she knows what being benched means, Mack explains, "Being benched means that either you have an injury or, like...." Hm. She's not really sure why, except, "last week, she thinks I was doing cartwheels on my other foot...but I wasn't." Well, that explains that.

 

The girls aren't dancing up to Abby's standards anyway, but you know who Abby blames? Their moms. I'm not sure how to respond to that because I blame my mom for a lot of things unfairly too, so far be from me to cast stones at Abby. Kelly is super pissed about the duet, but Christi - of all people! - just wants her to get over it and let the girls dance. "Shut up! They've waited forever, quit stealing their joy! That's Abby's job!"

 

Speaking of...all the girls are getting an earful from Abby, who is lecturing them about how much Rosa Parks cared. She accuses the girls of only caring about "how many instagram things" they get. Ok, Abby, we get it, but you're also equating civil rights with dance, and I'm not sure how appropriate THAT is. And honestly? I bet Rosa Parks would've insta'd from the front of the bus and gotten a whole bunch of likes for it.

 

Let's check in with Candy Apple Cathy, who is still applauding herself for her big victory over Abby. She wants to make sure it's not just luck though, so she wants to prove it again at competition. How can the Apples have a pyramid when there are only four of them?

 

Anyway, their dance for competition is going to be "Candy Apple Style," which is their version of "Gangnam Style" built around Jalen. He's getting a solo too. Apparently he has hip hop moves that no one has seen. NO ONE! Secret hip hop moves, says Candy Apple Cathy, will win them a clean sweep.

 

Remember that makeover for Holly? Abby's ready for the shopping spree. She tells the saleswoman that she's shopping for someone who doesn't really appropriately dress for her body. If I could throw a thought bubble over the saleswoman's head, I'm pretty sure it would read, "Oh, so she's shopping for HERSELF!"

 

Anyway, Holly arrives with Jill, supposedly for moral support. Come on, Holly. You know better than that. Jill is totally there to make Kendall Rosa Parks. Holly admits she knows this is just a game that Abby's playing, but if that means Nia gets to play Rosa, then she'll let Abby dress her up.

 

While Abby is taking care of Holly's new wardrobe, Candy Apple Cathy is having a heart to heart with Vivi. "Nothing makes me happier than seeing my baby dance," Cathy tells us. And, again, I wish I had thought bubbles because I'm pretty sure Vivi countered with, "Nothing makes me happier than ice cream sundaes...."

 

Note: The word "derriere" was used more times by Candy Apple Cathy within two minutes of a private lesson with Vivi than by anyone else on TV in the last three years...combined.

 

Vivi isn't the only one getting private lessons, though - Kendall is getting facial expression lessons from Abby. My my my! Wardrobe, expressions, Rosa Parks! Miss Abby is an expert in so many unexpected things!

 

Meanwhile, the Moms are in the gallery when Holly tells them about Jill's plan to make Kendall the star in the group routine. "I really think you're delusional if you think that would be a good part for her," Kelly tells Jill. "If anyone but Nia is Rosa Parks, I'm not watching the dance." Well, that settles it then.

 

Christi and Kelly sort of (ok, there was no "sort of," they totally just did it) suggest that Jill should go straighten it out with Abby and tell her she thought Rosa Parks was someone different. Watching from the gallery as she approaches Abby, Christi observes, "Oh wait! Let me just say for the record, she just threw all of us under the bus!" Yep, she was right.

 

Doesn't matter though, cause Abby tells Nia she'll be Rosa Parks. Can we move on from that now?

 

Yep, so let's move on to the duet and how Kelly is sabotaging it. Abby wants her to build Paige with confidence, but since she's not doing it, Abby has a heart to heart with Paige instead. We'll see how this goes.

 

Maddie, meanwhile, is amazing and her dance is amazing and blah blah MACKENZIE IS DOING YOUTUBE TUTORIALS!

 

Yeah, there was no lead in for that. Melissa discovered that our little benched dancer has been locking herself in her room with her computer. Thank GOD Melissa found makeup tutorials, because that could've ended VERY badly.

 

"So, you're telling me, Melissa, you let her in a room, by herself, and you don't know WHAT she's doing behind a locked door?" THANK YOU, Dr. Holly!

 

The Candy Apples have welcomed guest choreographer Anthony Burrell to teach the routine that Cathy obviously couldn't do. He comes highly recommended by Jay Z and Beyonce and Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition, though that last one gets left off Cathy's list. He thinks Cathy babies the boys as if they're little girls, and he's not backing down. He leaves in a huff when Cathy won't let him do his thing, but eventually cools off. Like all the rest of Cathy's babies.

 

Abby Lee Dance is getting last minute practice in, and for our girls, that means making faces in the mirror. It starts with Kendall, then Nia joins her, and before you know it, Paige, Chloe, and Brooke are in on it too. I gotta admit - their "What Abby Does Best" face was pretty awesome.

 

Hey, remember when Candy Apples beat Abby Lee? Yeah, according to Cathy, they've been famous around town since then, and she wanted to give the outside of the studio a facelift to celebrate. Here's some notes from the ceremony, which included a plaque to commemorate her win over Abby.

• The "crowd" is made up of...well...the people who pay to be there.
• The special scissors for the ribbon cutting are so small, I'm sure they were borrowed from a Smurf.
• Vivi does a great impression of the Jungle Book monkeys that dance during Fantasmic at Disney World.
• A PLAQUE TO COMMEMORATE HER WIN OVER ABBY?!

 

Let it never be said that Candy Apple Cathy does not try to be the best mom in the world to Vivi. Never suggest that she puts more time into the studio than into her own kid. Don't point out that the two minutes of quality time she spent with Vivi earlier this episode happened while the boys were on break. None of those things, ok?

 

Because she wants REAL one on one time with Vivi, doing what all girls love to do with their moms - SHOP! Oh, except one thing...she's shopping for Jalen. The boy dancer. And she wants Vivi to spin on her head to model the costume. One of the costumes makes her look like Milli Vanilli.

 

Gah, I love how Vivi just says whatever Cathy wants to hear. You know there was an ice cream bribe involved with this activity.

 

Know who else is trying on costumes? Chloe and Paige. "They're more for Vegas than Broadway," Kelly says. Twice. And by Vegas, she really means those seedy shows that they hand you those postcards for as you walk down the sidewalk and try not to make eye contact.

 

Cathy has decided that she wants the boys to perform in front of an audience, so she lines up all the girls from her studio to watch them. How does it go? Well, Jalen misses a cue and stands there shell shocked getting reprimanded for like two minutes. The kid didn't even blink. Candy Apple Cathy thinks if they just shake it off, they'll be perfect for competition.

 

Meeeeanwhiiiiiile...Mackenzie is bored, so she's giving the girls makeovers. "I'm putting lip gloss on you to make you look luscious," she tells Kendall. The real challenge is when Abby sits down for her makeover. And then? Miss Abby tells Mackenzie she'll be doing ALL the girls' makeup for the competition. Is that REALLY a good idea?

 

On the bus to Ohio, Holly calls Nia to present a report on Rosa Parks. She did the thing full on with poster board and everything! Holly wants Nia to understand that Rosa Parks changed the world for a lot of people, herself and Black Patsy included. Abby is impressed.

 

Crazy Apple Cathy has brought the Secret Service with her to competition. I sort of shrug at this point because are we really surprised? Abby's crazy, but Cathy is the instigator in this situation most of the time. "That's the only way Cathy can get men to hang out with her - either bribe them to be on her team or pay them to guard her," says Christi. After recalling the many times Cathy has hit the Abby Lee women (either with her purse or water), she adds, "I think if anything, WE need a body guard. And a sponge."

 

Abby finally reveals what she bought for Holly, giving her the bag and orders to change. She comes out looking a little like a zebra from the Lion King on Broadway, but it's not HORRIBLE. Of course, I didn't think Holly was so bad before, so what do I know.

 

Her other makeover - that of Mackenzie, Official Makeup Artist - begins with Kendall. Jill's not so excited about it. "I think I did a pretty good job," Mackenzie says. "It was hard, but I pulled it off."

 

Kendall's solo is first, and I find myself counting her facial expressions instead of watching the dance, and the judges seem into it. Maddie follows her, dressed like a little cinder girl, and Abby thinks she performed it like a seasoned professional. Cathy thinks Jalen can win if he can get his costume change...which, oops, he can't. Through no fault of his own (why would you make a kid do a strip tease during his routine?), the performance falls apart. And then Jalen did too. The Broadway Blondes, Paige and Chloe, pulled out a terrific performance.

 

And then the big showdown. No, not the short preview in the hallway when Cathy started running her mouth. I'm talking the group routines. Candy Apple Style goes first and gives an entertaining trick performance. "I know that NO Abby routine could beat that," Cathy declares. I dunno, Cathy. Rosa Parks has a lot going for it, and not ONE hat falls off a head.

 

Except Brooke just...stops. And then wanders. Completely forgets the routine. Oops.

 

Award time starts with Jalen in 6^th Place. Kendall takes 2^nd Place to, of course, Maddie's 1^st. Finally, she returns to the top, and Melissa thinks the judges' validation is huge. The bigger win - in my opinion - is the Paige/Chloe duet, which also takes 1^st Place. And then...the group.

 

Well, the good news is, we don't have to see the 10^th Place winner. The better news is that Candy Apples takes 2^nd Place...and Abby Lee takes 1^st! I wonder - will there be a plaque erected at the studio for this momentous occasion?

 

The Moms are positively giddy at the opportunity to rub Cathy's nose in the win, especially Christi. "Last time we faced Cathy, there was a big fight, and I missed it!" Christi wants the army of Moms to visit Cathy to gloat. As much as I love a good gloating over Candy Apples, I kinda wish they had just let it go.

I always love when we end the episode with a happy dressing room. Abby congratulates all the girls, and she doesn't even really yell (too much) about Brooke's forgotten routine. Because they won, we can all laugh about Brooke "waiting for the bus" on stage. If they had lost? She'd be doing science projects at home from now on.

 

"When we're on, we're unstoppable," Abby says.

 

Well, for this week at least.

 

Dance Moms airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Lifetime!

 

(Image Courtesy of Lifetime)

 

Follow Kylene on Twitter at @keepingupwithky!