by Kylene Hamulak

 

Dance Moms begins with a smiling Abby, happy that her girls are on a winning streak. Will that last? Heh...I doubt it.

 

Maddie is on top of the pyramid for taking charge and bossing Mackenzie around successfully. Paige is on the second level, right next to Kendall and Chloe. Nia is on the bottom of the pyramid with Mackenzie and Brooke, who was forced to take a "nice little vacation." But wait - there's an extra person on the pyramid. Who is it?

 

Asia, from Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition. She has apparently requested Abby's "tutelage", and Abby gives a stern warning to the Moms not to chase the new Mom out. Which means that the claws will come out as soon as our Moms get up in the gallery and out of earshot.

 

As the reigning champions at this week's competition, Abby wants her girls to dominate the "crappy little apples" that the "evil, conniving, purse-swinging troll" will be bringing. Oh, that's Candy Apple Cathy, in case you missed that episode.

 

The routine is called Return to Grace and is a mature dance that will not include Mackenzie and Asia. Kendall, Maddie and Chloe will have a jazz trio called "We Believe." There's only one solo this week, and it goes to...Asia? Oh, right, cause she's brand new and Abby Lee Dance is all about giving kids opportunities and not hazing them with all the yelling and boot camp and all.

 

Since the dance is about reincarnation, of course the Moms give us their thoughts on the subject. Mainly, they don't believe in it, but if they did? Kelly tells us she wouldn't want to come back "as a member of the Abby Lee Dance Company, THAT'S for sure!" Damn right, Kelly! Cause you're forced to be there! Oh...wait.

 

I mean, I get that Abby is crazy and there's a contract, but wasn't it just a couple of months ago that our Moms had to stage all kinds of sit-ins and protests and Kickstarter campaigns in support of getting Kelly BACK at Abby Lee?

 

Candy Apple Cathy is tired of being #2, so she's bringing in Mr. Dance of America (oh yes, that is a thing) to choreograph her Apple Cores. Mr. Dance is actually very good friends with Abby. (And, from the look on his face, I suspect he also pals around with Buddy "Smiling's my favorite!" the Elf. He didn't break that grin for a full minute!)

 

So after the brand new dancer getting the solo and Mr. Dance's arrival, I was starting to wonder what universe this episode was taking place in. When Abby starts talking about stuffing Broadway Baby, I had to check my calendar (again) to make sure no one moved April Fool's Day on me. Don't get me wrong, I've loved our dogs and felt the broken heart of losing a beloved pet, but listening to her talk to Melissa about how much Baby looked like a stuffed animal was....odd.

 

PS, Melissa? She loved her dog, but she loves your daughter too. Keep an eye on Maddie. If she seems a little TOO quiet, give her a poke....

 

The team is ready to meet Asia. The girls are looking forward to their new addition, but Jill? She doesn't really want to meet Kristy, the new Mom. When they get there, Abby warns Kristy that the Moms are vicious, but I barely hear the rest of it because WHY IS ASIA WEARING MORE MAKEUP THAN ANYONE EVER? This whole show is so WEIRD tonight!

 

Kelly is pretty sure Melissa should be nervous, 'cause Asia and Mackenzie are the same size. Even Holly wonders what the purpose of adding this new little nugget to the team is.

 

Candy Apple Cathy is pulling out all the stops for competition. Besides using Abby's BFF to choreograph the routine, she's also brought in a new girl named Sam for the duet, and will be using a contemporary piece for her group number. "Abby isn't gonna know WHAT hit her," Cathy promises us.

 

Meanwhile back at Abby Lee, Jill's nose is out of joint because she was hazed by the Moms, so now the new one is going to have to pay her dues, too. Uh, false, Jill. They didn't give you a hard time because you were new. They've given you a hard time because you're a sneaky bitch, and we allllll know it.

 

New Kristy takes her place on the panel of Dance Moms - oh wait. This just in: apparently we're to refer to her as "Skinny Kristy." "HA! You're FAT Christi!" cackles Kelly.

 

"There is only room for one Christi at the Abby Lee Dance Company. And that role has been filled," Christi tells us.

 

Ok, so let the interrogation begin. Skinny and Asia are fresh off the plane from Korea, where Asia has been working so much that she couldn't even compete. Holly subtly asks, "They don't have any dance teachers of Abby's caliber in your area?" Apparently not, because apparently Asia and Abby bonded and the kid works better with teachers who are "on her." Well, that'll work out nicely.

 

As expected our Moms get on Skinny Kristy like ants on a fallen ice cream cone, with Kelly sharing the revelation that breaking Abby's year long studio contract will cost her $100,000. "Well, it's a good thing I have $100,000," says Skinny. She's not planning on letting the Moms run her out of Pittsburgh anytime soon.

 

During Asia's first solo rehearsal, Abby's got a lot to work on with her - legs aren't straight, hands aren't out, knees are sickle. Wow, poor Chloe would've been thrown out of the studio by now! Christi observes, "She looks kind of...um...naughty."

 

Abby notices it too, and she wants Asia to dial it back a bit. She wants to see cute, she wants to see fluffy, and she wants to see a puppy dog. Hey Abby! What you want to see is MACKENZIE.

 

After she dismisses Asia, she's ready to find out how the Moms are treating Kristy. The reports are in: lots of complaints, but that should be no surprise. Apparently Christi ("with a C," says Abby. In case Skinny Kristy didn't realize which one she was referring to.) knows Abby wants her OUT and is afraid she's being replaced. Oh, and the report from the Moms is that Skinny's "cantaloupes" aren't real. Melissa's are, by the way.

 

The day of the competition, Jill is marking her territory on the bus while Abby is visiting the taxidermist. The man she meets with tells her they'll do everything to keep her memories of Broadway Baby fresh, but I gotta say...I'm not so concerned with the freshness of the memories. But...like...it's been a couple weeks, according to Abby. Shouldn't we be concerned with the freshness of...of...you know....?

 

Of course Abby makes it to the competition eventually, where she meets up with her friend, Mr. Dance. She's thrilled to see him and tells us she doesn't feel threatened at all. Brilliant dancer, she says...can't train kids.

 

Note: Kristy thinks Asia is more entertaining than Mackenzie. She struts on to "Rock That" in her solo, and Mr. Dance raises his eyebrows. And smiles. Cause that's what he does. It's WEIRD, ok?! Asia's a good dancer, but the whole thing is less cute and more uncomfortable. Even if she IS dressed like a puppy. The thing is, she's got some issues with her technique, and Abby notices. "Drop and give me 20," she says in the dressing room. Kristy welcomes it - she's supposedly here for just this kind of tough love.

 

The trio is up next and losing is not an option, but Cathy's salsa duet is bringing "moves that Michigan has never seen." Maybe I've been watching too much Dancing with the Stars, but I could've sworn Cathy's boy dancer stumbled on a move. Abby is annoyed that they brought a ballroom routine to the competition. Chloe, Kendall, and Maddie did a great job, and even Abby thinks they were fabulous.

 

What about the groups? I have to admit Cathy's Crappy Apples look great. The little orphan boys are so close to being baby Newsies, I have to give them credit where it's due. Oh, and Mr. Dance smiled throughout, but at least it was merited this time. The ALDC girls looked beautiful too - Abby describes them as "fresh," saying "they were pretty, they were clean, and they were wholesome." All true, but were they winners?

 

Time for awards, starting with a 1^st Place solo award for Asia. Good start, but the second award, for the trio/duet, is a 2^nd Place for the ALDC, while Cathy's salsa takes 1^st Place. Uh oh. For the group dance, the top routine isn't only 1^st Place, but also a perfect score. Abby thinks it could be her girls...

 

...but it's not. It's Cathy's Cores. And Nia is pissssssed. Melissa concedes that there was no way the girls stood a chance against that choreography and performance, but Abby isn't satisfied with that.

 

"I don't know what's gonna happen with my girls, but maybe the reincarnation theme is gonna hit home. Maybe next week they'll come back as amazing, talented, teenage boys," suggests Abby. Wait, are they coming back as Newsies?!

 

Of course, backstage, there comes a knock at the door. I'm not even sure why the teams are allowed to mingle considering the history, but, alas, Cathy and a couple of the dads have arrived. She's not AS obnoxious as she has been, but Abby is done. She didn't appreciate Cathy getting "her hooks" into a choreographer who is a friend (um, Abby, if he was such a great friend, he could've refused).

 

One of the dads suggests they call a truce, but, yeah, they're not having that. There's some back and forth between them, Abby starts to cry because she's so pissed, then says that Cathy is "dirt under my feet."

 

And just like that, the alternative universe in which this episode existed has its course corrected, and everything is back to normal on Dance Moms.

 

Dance Moms airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Lifetime!

 

(Image Courtesy of Lifetime)

 

Follow Kylene on Twitter at @keepingupwithky!