by Kylene Hamulak

 

If history serves as any indication, any episode of Dance Moms following a tough Abby Lee loss begins with a tough Abby Lee pyramid thanks to an angry Abby Lee.

 

To recap, Abby Lee wants to replace Mackenzie with Asia, and Jill doesn't like Skinny Kristie because she's positioning herself to be Abby's favorite, and everyone knows that's JILL's role on the show. Not to BE the favorite, mind you. That's Melissa's job. Just to position herself to be.

 

Not surpsingly, Mackenzie is on the bottom of the pyramid because she's injured, Brooke is on the bottom because she's 15, Chloe is on the bottom because she's Chloe, and Kendall is on the bottom because she danced with Chloe and ruined Maddie's trio. Maddie is in the middle with Paige and Nia, who Abby describes as Switzerland instead of celebrating her growth. Asia, of course, is on top of the pyramid, despite having to work on her legs and feet.

 

The group number is a patriotic number this week called "Free the People" and Mackenzie and Asia are supposed to be the "cute little bookends." Mack still isn't back to 100%, but her participation (SUPPOSEDLY) determines Asia's spot. I say SUPPOSEDLY because we know Abby - she'd force Siamese twins to battle each other for a solo if she thought it would get one of them to dance better. Asia will be in the dance, regardless of Abby's threats.

 

Speaking of solos...of course Asia has one, and Maddie gets a chance to redeem herself. Chloe gets a solo too, pitting her head to head with Maddie.

 

So the patriotic number gives Abby a chance to teach the girls a lesson in politics, and for once she actually knows what she's talking about - the Moms realize she's referring to "the politics of dance."

 

Asia's solo is based on Rosie the Riveter and is described by Abby as a "hot sassy number." It creeps me out. Chloe's is called "Am I Here to Stay" and the message is loud and clear - Abby's challenging her to beat Maddie and figure out where she's at on the team. As Holly notes, however, "Clearly she's not on the same level playing field because Christi is not Melissa."

 

Right. Melissa. Melissa, who is thinking of home schooling her kids so they can do dance and voice and piano more. Oh, and also have more time for themselves. It's a great idea since that's the biggest problem with traditional school - not enough time for dance and voice and piano and, oh yeah, time for themselves. And to start off the good habits of home schooling, she agrees to let Maddie do her homework on the way to dance. Because nothing shows how important education is like doing long division at a red light!

 

"I really wanna home school because even though my mom says school comes before dance, I say that dance comes before school," says Maddie. Oh. Well then. If that's how it is, why even bother with home schooling?

 

When Melissa and the girls meet with Tracy the Homeschooler, she tells them that "school" would be 4-5 hours a day so they'd have time to do all their extra things. Melissa tells her it'd be great, noting how much Mackenzie, in particular, wants to step up her dancing.

 

Well, not exactly. "But I'd miss my school friends," Mackenzie says. Doesn't matter, it all sounds good to Melissa, and they're moving forward with it.

 

Back at the studio, Melissa is telling the Moms about her plans to potentially home school. Kelly, always astute, suggests that the only reason she's even considering it is to get her daughters ahead in the dance world.

 

Gee, ya THINK?!

 

Thank goodness we've got Dr. Holly to be the voice of reason. Holly is all like...uhhh, school's not just about busy work, but Melissa is all, "OOOH! I'm gonna take piano with my daughter!" and Christi is all like... "You're crazy and I agree with Holly." Not verbatim (well, not TOTALLY), but pretty much.

 

But back to the patriots. Mackenzie is still not in the group number, but Abby has found a spot for Asia, literally running around the studio with the flag. Told ya so. The Moms are all side eyeing it because it looks ridiculous, but Skinny Kristie isn't worried.

 

"People know how my child dances, so I'm not going to get all feathers ruffled over this dance," she says, and - again - Holly is like, "You really think anyone who goes to dance competitions knows how your daughter dances?"

 

Original Christi puts it into perspective for us. "Asia might be a big deal on the internet, but so is a dog who can bark his ABC's." So true. That dog is amazing.

 

The Moms are tasked by Abby to create costumes for the group number, and she wants them to use a flag to do it. Who knew our ladies were such patriots? They're not feeling great about potentially cutting up a flag to make a costume. We'll see how this one pans out.

 

But not yet. First we need some yelling. The group number includes a sequence where the girls are all chasing Asia, who is running with the flag. Despite most of them ending up in the same spot, only one of them pays the price - Kendall. Abby yells at her for not being in the right place, but when Kendall tries to explain herself, she's dismissed to another room to work on it. Jill's not ok with that. Not because her daughter is crying - I mean, that's part of it of course - but because her bribery hasn't gotten Kendall where she wants her.

"I'm the one who walked her dog and bought her gifts, yet she's still featuring Maddie, Chloe, and Asia and yelling at Kendall," says Jill.

 

Jill, of course, confronts Abby about it, which, of course, isn't well-received by Abby. To be fair, Abby DOES yell at many of the other girls (Chloe in particular) unfairly, but, to be fair to Jill, Kendall is not the brat Abby claims her to be. I'm not sure whose side to be on in this argument, so I'm just gonna be Nia. Uh, I mean, Switzerland. Neutral.

 

At the competition, Jill announces to the group that Asia was crying recently. No one cares. I don't really even care, but you know how these things come to bite Jill in the ass, so I felt it was worth mentioning. As for the costumes? The Moms settled for fabric and handkerchiefs. "No flags were harmed," promises Holly.

 

Not yet, anyway. See, Asia's handling of the flag in the routine is kind of a big deal. And if you had any doubt, here's the pep talk from Maddie backstage: "If it doesn't win, she said it's on you, so don't make any mistakes."

 

Uhhh...she did. Asia put the flag over Paige upside down, but did Abby recognize why it happened? Maybe. But she blamed Paige anyway.

 

That's not the end of her great motivating tactics, though. Nope, tonight, as an exercise in politics, Abby thinks it'll be a great idea to have the girls (and Moms) vote for either Maddie or Chloe. It's a good thing the girls don't hold it against each other.

 

Asia's solo is up first, and she does a fantastic job. She really is a little firecracker up there. Chloe goes next, and, as Christi says, she is "beautiful and elegant on stage." Enough to beat Maddie? Christi thinks so. But then Maddie dances, and it's gorgeous, and Christi changes her tune. "I think when people are voting, they need to remember that these girls are working at a disadvantage if they're not Maddie."

 

The first awards - those from the judges - are announced before the ballots are counted. The group routine places 2^nd - uh oh....first losers. Yikes. Asia's solo places 1^st though, which leaves Maddie and Chloe. The judges votes award Chloe with 2^nd Place, putting Maddie in 1^st Place.

 

What did Abby Lee Dance think? The first two votes went to Maddie before a vote for Paige is read. Kelly chuckles. Good one, Kelly. Now Christi is pissed at you for not just voting for Chloe. In the end, seven votes went to Maddie, three went to Chloe.

 

The tribe has spoken.

 

Dance Moms airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Lifetime!

 

(Image Courtesy of Lifetime)

 

Follow Kylene on Twitter at @keepingupwithky!