by Kylene Hamulak

I have to apologize to you, Dance Moms readers. It seems I've lied to you, or at least misled you, by telling you that last week was the most boring episode of the show ever.

We have a legitimate contender for the title in this week's episode as well.

Abby is still out in LA filming Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition, and Maddie is headed out there to be her special little snowflake featured on the show. Abby makes it sound like she was the ONLY one who volunteered to go out to Hollywood, that the rest of the girls had no interest in networking. What's that about? Am I really supposed to believe that Christi didn't want to make sure Chloe was in Maddie's shadow in LA? Am I supposed to buy that Kelly wouldn't have flown Paige and Brooke out there to, at the very least, meet with some managers who could make them superstars?

Yeah, I'm skeptical.

Meanwhile over in Candy Apples Crazy Town, Cathy is - again - threatening to cut dancers from the "Candy Apple Core." She's also cut the pyramid and replaced it with - get ready for it - THE APPLE TREE...which is basically just a new graphic on her screen. 

Poll: Does anyone really care about her pyramid? Basically Nick is on the top with Nicaya (who isn't even there), Jalen and Mari are at the "bottom", and Campbell is on the ground. Because she didn't dance. But she does tell us that her mom made her for one reason and one reason only, and that's to dance. Soooo...yeah, that's not really working out all that well.

Cathy hands out routines, but I stopped watching to daydream about when we used to get this studio drama at Abby Lee Dance. Jalen and Mari are battling in the solo division, but come on - this is no Chloe vs. Maddie. It's not even Mackenzie vs. Asia.

Ah, but this is the show we're given, so I'll tell you what happened. Jalen is rehearsing his solo, but it's contemporary, and he doesn't really know how to much beyond spinning on his head, so he needs a lot of coaching. Mari's mom isn't happy that it's taking away from her rehearsal time, so she interrupts...which is apparently a huge taboo. Oops.

And then, as if this show wasn't weirdly stupid enough already, we visit Candy Apple Cathy's house. On the one hand, I know we get comedy gold whenever Vivi is in the scene, but on the other...WHY THE HELL ARE WE CATALOGING CATHY'S CERAMINC BUNNIES?

Oh, trust me, I am not making this up. They're literally rabbits, all over her house, and she wants Vivi's help creating a catalog. For what? Insurance claims? Ebay? Nah, just to do her two favorite things - spend time with Vivi and catalog her bunnies by naming them after ALDC Dance Moms. I hope she doesn't forget to count the bunny on Vivi's shirt!

Question: If cataloging her bunnies is a favorite hobby, why isn't it already done?

Back at the studio, Anthony is name dropping all the stars he's worked with that give him credibility as a choreographer. He's working with Mari today, and she has an asthma attack. As her mom explains, apparently when she has an asthma attack, she can't breathe. Oh, really? Is that how asthma works?

Blah blah, then it's group rehearsal time. Anthony is forcing the boys to do push ups, Cathy is telling him to mind his p's and q's, but honestly? He just seems sort of cranky. Finally Jalen is like, "I don't wanna do push ups for no reason." His dad is all like, "Why aren't the GIRLS doing push ups?" Wanna know why? Because Anthony wants them to have "soft and dainty arms."

That's a direct quote.

So then it's special time with Jalen's dad, who apparently brought his son to dance because he didn't have a dad. He vows to protect his son, and doesn't appreciate Anthony's treatment. Cathy gets pissed that Anthony is chasing kids away, so it becomes a crazy argument about who is calling who a joke and who gets the last word, and Cathy is crying. And then they hug. Whatever.

At the competition, all eyes are on Mari and Jalen. Mari goes first and does well, despite the fact that she forgot some parts of it. Jalen doesn't complete his triple pirouette, which Cathy has threatened will be a problem. In the green room, Anthony declares, "Somebody is going home," and I can't figure out why. It's CATHY's decision. If she wants to keep them both, then...you know, she can. This isn't American Idol.

Meanwhile, they're putting some sort of Lion King headdress on Hadley for the duet and she's crying about how top heavy it is. Seriously, Apples? No one thought to have her rehearse with that helmet on? Hadley's mom has a solution - she tells her daughter, "You need to borrow my strength right now." So I guess that means her mom has a really strong neck that carries around huge headdresses easily. The routine looks fine, and the headdress stays on her head.

Back in Hollywood, Maddie is ready to perform on the finale of Abby's other show. Abby watches her proudly, and I watch her with bittersweet nostalgia for all the times we got to watch Maddie and the ALDC girls instead of Candy Apples.

So finally, the group dance. Anthony brings Malik So Chic to visit the dancers, who are using his song in the routine. Apparently Malik is a major fashionista and socialite on the NYC club scene. I have to admit, the routine is kind of funky and cool.

On to awards, where the tribal duet earns 1^st Place. The epic battle of Mari vs. Jalen comes down to a nerve wracking conclusion when the awards begin with the 10^th Place finisher. I've watched enough Dance Moms to know that when we start that high, we're not winning. Jalen comes in 9^th Place, with Mari right in front of him with 8^th Place. So honestly, no one really wins, right? The group comes in 2^nd Place, but Cathy seems to not care as much as she does when she loses to ALDC.

She's still threatening to cut someone, but - SURPRISE! - it may not be one of the kids. Now she's threatening to cut ANTHONY!

Ah well....to be continued, I guess.

Catch Dance Moms every Tuesday at 9/8c on Lifetime!

(Image Courtesy of Lifetime)

Follow Kylene on Twitter at @keepingupwithky!